Lights up on a dinner table. There is a woman (Duchess Gertrude Esmerelda Penelope Smith (GEPS for short)) and at least four guests.
GEPS: Welcome, I hope you're hungry - my husband has cooked an absolute feast! Would you let me know if you have any allergies?
Everyone: Oh no, not at all. I eat anything. (loud and obvious at the end) Quite lovely.
Mavis: Well, actually... oh no, it doesn't matter. It's ok, quite alright.
GEPS: Oh please, please, do tell! (or else)
Mavis: Well... yes alright, I have an allergy.
Harold: What is it? Out with it, Mavis!
Mavis: Okay, I'm afraid I'm allergic to... spoons.
GEPS: Spoons? That's ridonkulous!
Mavis: It's rather technical - I wouldn't want to bore you...
GEPS: Please, it's no bother.
Mavis: Well, you see, not many people know this (Picks up spoon), but your kidneys are oppositely charged (Everyone: oh really! (one person: I knew that)).
Harold: Exactly. And due to the molecular structure of the average spoon, as Mavis holds it... Mavis: ...As I hold it in my right hand, it changes the polarity of my right kidney. Harold: And then she explodes. Mavis: Precisely. Charlie: Aren't you holding one now?
Mavis: (puts it down) No.
GEPS: Oh, well, I'm sure we can avoid spoons. Anyone else have an allergy? Anyone, anyone?
Everyone: No, no.
GEPS: Smashing!
(turns to leave)
Harold: Oh, um, well there is something....
GEPS: (resigned voice) Continue Harold: I'm allerigic to social situations
Charile: Oh, you seem to be doing quite well
Harold: (looks around counting, sudden realisation and gets up and runs off)
GEPS: (Very annoyed) Right, does anybody else have any special dietary requirements that they wish to share?
Persephone: Well, ma'am... this isn't actually an allergy per-se, but I think you should know that I'm a freshairian.
GEPS: A fresharian?
(everyone else looks like 'oh no, how can she not know? How can she be so uneducated?')
Persephone: Well, I get all my dietry requirements of vitamins, minerals and energy from breathing in air using a specialised breathing technique developed by ancient Tibetan monks in the Soshan region (demonstrates). Nutty... with a hint of smokestack.
Charlie: Sorry, did you say nutty?
GEPS: What, Charlie, what is the problem now?!?!?!
Charlie: Well, if you must know, and I must say that this is a terrible breach of my personal privacy... I am allergic to peanuts. When I eat them, I go into an anaphylactic shock.
Mavis: How bizarre - he must be delusional.
Charlie: You're allergic to spoons for god's sake! To spoons! SPOOONS
Alt 1: (holds up a spoon in front of her, she pops balloons with 'blood' in her shirt, drips down). GEPS: (calmly and disapprovingly) Now look what you've done! Alt 2 Mavis: (calmly and disapprovingly) That's not a spoon, that's a ladle. It's entirely different. Fin. |
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