Show Archive‎ > ‎2010‎ > ‎Scripts‎ > ‎

Ape of the Planets

Two people are standing on stage – An astronaut enters

Person 1: Welcome back, Commander.
Person 2: I must admit – I thought we had lost you when we lost contact near that asteroid belt
Person 1: We're just glad you're back
Astronaut: You fools! It was Earth all along!
Person 1: Well, yes – that's true
Astronaut: SHUT UP! (Slap) You blew it up!
Person 2: Blew up what?
Astronaut: Didn't you see the statue of liberty?
Person 1: Once when I was a boy
Astronaut: Damn you! Damn you all to Hell!
Person 2: (puts a hand on his back) Hey – Jack – It's okay
Astronaut: Get your filthy paws off me, you damned dirty ape!
Person 1: What are you talking about?
Astronaut: This planet I've landed on! It's the Planet of the Apes!
Person 2: It's .. Earth
Astronaut: You can talk!
Person 2: Yes. Yes I can.
Astronaut: QUIET APE (slap) This planet is filled with apes!
Person 1: I – I think you're confusing apes with humans.
Astronaut: Do you have a tail?
Person 1: No.
Astronaut: APE! (slap)
Person 2: We aren't apes. We are people.
Astronaut: I'm tired of your pro-ape ape-rights rhetoric, Ape.
Person 1: Just – stop saying ape.
Astronaut: Would you prefer humanly-challenged?
Person 1: We are both clearly, obviously human beings. The world hasn't been taken over by apes. You were only gone a week.
Astronaut: So, the apes have turned human. Evolution was correct. Damn you, Darwin! DAMN YOU TO HELL!