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Alphabet invention

In ancient Egypt, P is the Pharaoh, A is the foreign adviser Cassius, and S is the Pharaoh's servant Stan.

Pharaoh: Ah hello, Cassius.
Cassius: Hello Pharaoh.  Have you gone over my latest invention yet?
Pharaoh: Ah, yes... this 'alphabet'...  Look, I've briefly gone over it with my adviser Stan here [points at Stan], and we've had a few thoughts.
Cassius: I would be most grateful if you could grace me with your opinions.
Pharaoh: Well... first of all, we like the idea of being able to store information on your last invention "paper".  
Stan: Yes.  That one seemed pretty pointless.  
Cassius: Did it not help us defend our armies against the hordes of foreign rock throwers?  
Stan: But how does paper beat rock?
Cassius: Anything else?
Pharaoh: Well, we did have some problems with these umm... [pauses and concentrates] 
Cassius: Letters?
Pharaoh: That's it! You have 26 of them, A through to Z correct?
Cassius: Yes. A, B, C, D, E
Pharaoh: [interrupts] Well 'C', for instance.  What is the point of that letter?  Sometimes it makes a sound like the letter 'K', and sometimes it sounds like your other letter [flicks through         paper] 'S'.
Cassius: Versatility!
Stan: More like redundancy! 
Pharaoh: And for that matter, whats with the letter 'X'? Why don't you just stick a 'K' and an 'S' together to make the same sound?
Stan: Or two 'C's!
Cassius: No, that letter is a gift to a mathematical friend of mine. Plus, if I remove 'X', there would only be 25 letters!
Pharaoh: What's so bad about that?
Cassius: 25 is a square number!  I'm allergic to square numbers!
Stan: Well, just get rid of 'C' and 'X' then!
Cassius: No! that would leave 24! 24 is four sixes.  It's like the devils number, plus another 6!
Pharaoh: What about 23? [getting frustrated]
Cassius: Don't you mention that filthy prime number to me.
Pharaoh: Also, we've been reviewing the way you've decided to spell certain words.  
Cassius: Of course...
Pharaoh: Well, you've decided to spell the word pharaoh starting with a P and H.  
Stan: Yes! How do a P and H stuck next to each other make an F sound?
Cassius: Well, they don't but I just figured we've already got enough F words. [glaring back at Stan]
Stan: Pharaoh, please don't trust this maniac.  I have a much more efficient system!
Cassius: Ha! your system!? Don't be ridiculous.
Pharaoh: Oh thank Ra, an alternative alphabet.  How does it work?
Stan: Well, we just spell everything with "3" letters [A cringes at mention of 3]  
Pharaoh: What are these three letters?  
Stan: An eye, a bird, and me doing this [Egyptian hieroglyph pose]
Cassius: Ludicrous!
Pharaoh: We don't really have much to write about other than people looking at birds... It's perfect!