Show Archive‎ > ‎2009‎ > ‎Theme‎ > ‎Official Theme Sketches‎ > ‎

NEW-last theme

Scary but intrepid music from Jurassic Park 2 plays. Lights up.

We are back at the P.L.O.T. device, and ANN, MALCOLM, EDDIE, LISA and BELINDA rush on and work feverishly round the machine.

Finally, one of them pulls the lever.

LISA: It didn't work!

ANN: The P.L.O.T device was built to make Quarks, not Antiquarks!

EDDIE: We just need to reverse the Polarity of the Neutron Flow!

OTHERS: Huh?

EDDIE: Oh, really. You take the batteries out, turn them around, and put them in the other way! 

ANN: Why didn't you say that in the first place?

EDDIE: I did!

LISA does so. An ANTIQUARK pops out of the machine

ANTIQUARK: Whoa! Whoa! What the hell just happened?

MALCOLM: quick, grab her, we don’t have much time.

ANN: Don’t touch her, use gloves!

ANTIQUARK: Hang on, hang on! Can someone please tell me what the hell is going on?!

ANN: Ah... speed dating!

BELINDA: They’re coming!

MALCOLM: Right, everyone! Be careful now! This is an experiment that has never been tested or even attempted before.

EDDIE: In fact, the odds are three hundred and fourteen million, one hundred and fifty nine thousand two hundred and sixty five to one. Roughly.

MALCOLM: But... it might just work. Everyone in position?

ANN: we’re ready.

MALCOLM: Good. Let’s hope they don’t try anything tricky.

As the next lines are said, Quarks start to file on and form a giant face upstage. Only Lisa notices, and she is desperately trying to get the others’ attention.

ANN: Like what?

MALCOLM: Well, they’re Quarks aren’t they? They are the fundamental building blocks of everything! I’m worried about the fact that they could well go ahead and make something big!

ANN: But there’s not enough of them to do that, you need loads! (Lisa is tapping her on the shoulder) Oh, shut up, we’re concentrating! (Slams a bucket or wastepaper basket over Lisa’s head.)

MALCOLM: But if there was loads of them, then they might be able to make something dangerous...

They keep talking while Lisa tries desperately to get the bucket off her head. She eventually gets it off, but by then, she is standing in front of the face made up of Quarks.

LISA: Oh, no.

The face eats her.

LISA: AHHH!

The others notice.

MALCOLM: Holy shit!

EDDIE: By the horns of Beelzebub!

The face swallows and licks its lips. JURASSIC does its voice using a microphone.

JURASSIC: Ha, ha, ha! Call me cute now!

MALCOLM: No. You are definitely not cute.

ANN: You ate my research assistant! You bastard! She cost three hundred dollars!

BELINDA: Why can’t you leave us alone? What did we ever do to you?

JURASSIC: You tried to force me into slave labour!

BELINDA: ... right, but apart from that?

JURASSIC: And now it’s my turn! I’ll teach you to mess with me! (Blows raspberry)

MALCOLM: ... yeah? Well, come out here and say that.

JURASSIC: What?

MALCOLM: It’s all very well talking about killing us with your combined might, but I bet you wouldn’t face us one on one!

JURASSIC: Oh, fine then! Honestly! Humans have such warped ideas of fair play...

JURASSIC Steps out of the face, which breaks up.

MALCOLM: Now!

They push the ANTIQUARK forward which bumps into JURASSIC QUARK

JURASSIC: Hey.

ANTIQUARK: Hey!

Mood is suddenly flirtatious; a saxophone plays some light jazzy music in the background.

ANTIQUARK: So, who are you then, handsome stranger?

JURASSIC: oh, I’m just an ordinary Quark.

ANTIQUARK: I know a force of nature when I see it.

JURASSIC: Well, I'd love to exchange a few photons with you

ANTIQUARK: You can photon me any time you like. 

They embrace/bounce around each other. Image on screen of blossoming light and burst of stars to make universe.

EVERYONE/ALLQUARKS: Awwwwwwwww.

All people with spoken lines move forward as they talk. Meanwhile lines of dancers assemble behind them.

ANN: Aw. They really seem to have hit it off don’t they?

BELINDA: So when a quark combines with an antiquark they make a universe?

EDDIE: heh, heh, heh! I get it! Big Bang!

Belinda gets a phonecall.

ANN: We’ve got another serious problem, Malcolm.

MALCOLM: Oh, joy.

ANN: Yeah! The revue’s almost over! How are we going to resolve the plot and make sure everyone lives happily ever after?

BELINDA: (hangs up) Hey! The lockdown’s lifted! I just got a call, and I told them what happened! You’ve won the Nobel Prize! Both of you!

ANN/MALCOLM: What?

BELINDA: Yeah! You for creating a quark, and you for getting rid of it again!

EDDIE: Don’t forget though, it was a gnome. You managed to stop it – you can’t stop a quark!

Closing Song!
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