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Viking Sketch minus metahumour

Another take on the same sketch:

Wiglaff, Snorri, and Eric sit back on deck after a hard day pillaging. Deckchairs, helmets with wings and horns.

Snorri: Wow. That was epic. I'd heard that pillaging was fun but they were practically giving stuff away.

Wiglaff: They were giving it away. That's... not... how it usually happens.

Eric: Liar. Next you'll tell us that they usually lock up their gold, or something.

Wiglaff: Indeed, my boy. You had to fight tooth and nail to wrest their gold from their scrawny little... intestinal tract. Challenging, but rewarding.

Snorri: Wow, really? Imagine that. Eric and I had to get some of the villagers to help us carry the loot, there was so much of it.

Eric: Very accomodating chaps, they were.

Wiglaff: Did you manage to find, perchance, any accomodating maidens?

Snorri: Well of course. After we'd emptied the contents of their treasure chests...

Eric: Which they left us written directions to find, of course...

Snorri: We located a cunningly placed trail of cookies and milk leading to their bedrooms.

Wiglaff: You mean they said... yes?

Snorri: Once... or twice [Snorri and Eric pound fists]. Heh heh!

Wiglaff: That's disgusting! It didn't used to be like that.

Eric: You mean there were no cookies?

Wiglaff: No.

Eric:
[incredulous] Or milk?

Wiglaff: [snappy] Of course not.

Snorri: No way dude...

Wiglaff: Indeed, to ravage implies that they DON'T say yes.

Snorri: Dude, that's hectic.

[Wiglaff rolls eyes]

Eric: I do concede it was a little unusual. Back in Norway, real nubile virgins don't normally offer themselves up like that.

Snorri: To you, maybe...[snap]

Wiglaff: Ah, you young whippersnappers have gone soft. Back in my day...

Snorri: Here he goes again.

ENDING 1:

Eric: Wait, don't tell us. [Improv style] 'When I was a boy *gasp, wheeze*, if we wanted a bit of skirt...

Snorri: We didn't have a long boat...

Eric: So we had to swim to Denmark...'

Wiglaff: Why yes. Exactly right. How did you know?

Snorri: And we had to fight off sea monsters...

Wiglaff: [taking off without a break, but in a boring tone] Naturally. This one time, back when I was your age, we'd just invented bronze, and of course that was the same year that your aunty and I finally... well nevermind that now, but we'd just got back from destroying monasteries in Ireland and had decided to put in for a bit of rest and 'recreation' in Denmark, but in our mad haze of lust [gasping breath] we'd forgotten about the Kraken, which arose from the depths ... [cadenza ad lib]

[Eric and Snorri look at each other, make a series of increasingly incomprehensible and obscure hand gestures (eg. pointing, hand across throat, scuba symbols, sign language, animal imitation, shadow puppet art, air guitar, etc), then stand up, grab Wiglaff under his arms and drag him off stage. Sound effect of splashing and bubbles.]

ALTERNATE ENDING: (YAY)

E: Wait, don't tell us. [Improv style] 'When I was a boy
*gasp, wheeze*, if we wanted a bit of skirt...

W: Indeed, I am quite serious. You're all blubber, no substance. You wouldn't know what it felt like to be a man, even if you were one.

S: Oh burn!

W: No bravery, no guts, no commitment. Why, I bet you lack the courage to challenge my accusations.

E: What would you know - as if it were any different in your day.

W: Sorry, lame. Heard that one before.

S: Ah you old man, just because noone wants you to ravage them anymore.

W: Is that really the best you can do?

E: How about this? [Pulls a knife].

W: Oh put it away - you wouldn't know how to use it if your life depended on it.

[E stabs W in the chest, then pulls it back out.]

W: Now that's MUCH more like it. [Dies.]

[Lights.]


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