Customer: I would like to buy a Science
Revue sketch, please. Lights up. This sketch is all about timing, awkward pauses and willing suspension of disbelief.
A: Wow! That was fantastic! I’d heard that pillaging was fun but they were practically giving it all away. C: Um...[eyebrows] B: They WERE giving it away. C: That’s *not* how it usually happens. B: It used to be difficult to get all the gold out of those townspeople. C: You had to fight tooth and nail to wrest the gold from their scrawny little ... intestinal tract. It was a challenge! A: Well it was pretty much what I expected. I mean, we went in, stole stuff and got out. C: Bah! You call that stealing? In my day they didn’t leave their doors unlocked... B: A note with written directions to the valuables drawer... C: and a trail of cookies and milk leading to their bedroom. B: It was unusual, to say the least. C: Real nubile virgins don’t ... usually... offer themselves up like that. C: You had to work for it! B: You had to put in some effort! C: Be charming and persuasive... B: I'd say the whole challenge has gone out of ravishing. [Pause] C: I mean, don't get me wrong, it was ... alright. [Pause] A: Well I had fun. Belinda was real nice and she said... C: Yes? A: Well, she said I would be welcome to violate her any time. [nudges one of the other Vikings while grinning stupidly] C: [showing annoyance at A] You youngin’s have gone soft! B: See, ‘violate’ implies that they don’t say ‘yes’. Did she say yes?A: Well, yes... once or twice. C: [disbelief and annoyance] Disgusting. B: I'm ashamed to be on the same boat as you. We should toss you in... C: Make you swim, say, back to Norway. A: But I can't swim that well. B: Okay, to the horizon and back. A: Actually I can't swim at all. B: Well that'll save us time and effort. C: Honestly... and you thought you'd actually survived a raid. I didn't even see a single pitchfork. B: Last time we were in England Byrne here returned with so many pitchforks imbedded in his thorax we flooded the market back home. Made quite a bit on the futures too... A: And you're calling me soft - you're glorified financial traders with the stupidest hats I have ever seen. I mean, HORNS? Honestly... C: We're wearing hats? I had quite forgetten. B: Yes, don't you remember we got a matching pair when we went to Amsterdam in the 20's. Just the latest thing. C: Oh I know - aren't we just gorgeous? A: Fuck this shit - I'm swimming back to England... PLEASE SAVE THIS SKETCH BY DELETING IT AND PRETENDING IT NEVER EXISTED Another take on the same sketch: Wiglaff, Snorri, and Eric sit back on deck after a hard day pillaging. Deckchairs, helmets with wings and horns. Snorri: Wow. That was epic. I'd heard that pillaging was fun but they were practically giving stuff away. Wiglaff: They were giving it away. That's not how it usually happens. Eric: Liar. Next you'll tell us that they usually lock up their gold, or something. Wiglaff: Indeed, my boy. You had to fight tooth and nail to wrest their gold from their scrawny little... intestinal tract. Challenging, but rewarding. Snorri: Wow, really? Imagine that. Eric and I had to get some of the villagers to help us carry the l00t, there was so much of it. Eric: Very accomodating chaps, they were. Wiglaff: Did you manage to find, perchance, any accomodating maidens? Snorri: Well of course. After we'd emptied the contents of their treasure chests... Eric: Which they left us written directions to find, of course... Snorri: We located a cunningly placed trail of cookies and milk leading to their bedrooms. Wiglaff: You mean they said... yes? Snorri: Once... or twice [Snorri and Eric pound fists]. Heh heh! Wiglaff: That's disgusting! It didn't used to be like that. Eric: You mean there was no cookies Wiglaff: No. Eric: Or milk? [incredulous] Wiglaff: Of course not. Snorri: No way... Wiglaff: Indeed, to ravage implies that they DON'T say yes. Snorri: Dude, that's hectic. [Wiglaff rolls eyes] Eric: I do concede it was a little unusual. Back in Norway, real nubile virgins don't normally offer themselves up like that. Snorri: To you, maybe... Wiglaff: Ah, you young whippersnappers have gone soft. Back in my day... Snorri: Here he goes again. Eric: Wait, don't tell us. [Improv style] 'When I was a boy *gasp, wheeze*, if we wanted a bit of skirt... Snorri: We didn't have a long boat... Eric: So we had to swim to Denmark...' Wiglaff: Why yes, exactly. How did you know? Snorri: And had to fight off sea monsters... Wiglaff: Naturally. This one time, back when I was your age, we'd just invented bronze, and of course that was the same year that your aunty and I finally... well nevermind that now, but we'd just got back from destroying monasteries in Ireland and had decided to put in for a bit of rest and 'recreation' in Denmark, but in our mad haze of lust [gasping breath] we'd forgotten about the Kraken, which arose from the depths ... [cadenza ad lib] [Eric and Snorri look at each other, make a series of increasingly incomprehensible and obscure hand gestures, then stand up, grab Wiglaff under his arms and drag him off stage. Sound effect of splashing and bubbles.] |
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