Show Archive‎ > ‎2009‎ > ‎Scripts‎ > ‎

Santa

A living room with a Christmas tree and a table with a phone. SANTA enters stealthily to twinkly magical buildup music (the kind you would get in a Disney movie or something before a song), motions for audience/hecklers to shush, then sneaks to the Christmas tree with a sack and goes to put presents down.

Music stops.

Two KIDs jumps out with cricket/baseball bats and hit SANTA over the head.

KID1&2: YAAA! Hai-ya!

SANTA: OW! (falls down, twitches)

KID 1 grabs phone, dials.

KID 1: Hello? Police? We caught him!

POLICE: We'll be there in a jiffy!

A POLICEWOMAN immediately barges in through the door.

POLICE: 'Ullo 'ullo, what's all this then?

SANTA: (groans)

KID 2: Officer, arrest that fat man!

POLICE: Santa! We meet again. (hits him with a taser) We'll not be watching any more of your Christmas specials this year!

SANTA: (groans)

POLICE: You're under arrest for six billion and forty-two counts of breaking and entering.

SANTA: What are you talking about? I'm bringing presents to the children!

POLICE: Ah! Enticing them with gifts!

KID 1: PEDOPHILE!

SANTA: No, I just sit them on my lap and ask them what they want!

Awkward pause. Then the POLICEWOMAN tasers him again.

SANTA: Not like that! I'm just trying to share toys with the kids!

KID 2: COMMUNIST!

SANTA: I'm not, I'm just spreading the love!

KID 1: HIPPY!

SANTA: I'm just giving to the less fortunate!

KID 2: PHILANTHROPIST!

POLICE: Shut up!

KID 1: FASCIST POO-POO HEAD! (leaves)

POLICE: (handcuffing SANTA to the tree) You have the right to remain silent! Any “Ho”s you say can and will be used in a court of law!

SANTA: I'm only defending myself!

POLICE: Tell that to... (pulls out taser) the Judge! (taser)

SANTA: I'm no criminal! Ask any of my little friends up North!

POLICE: You mean your previous abductions, forced to make toys in your sweatshops in Siberia!

SANTA: They're not children, they're just my little friends!

POLICE: Bigotry! (starts to drag him off)

SANTA: Wait! At least let me get my sleigh!

POLICE: Your SLAVE?

SANTA: No, my sleigh! It's on the roof, with all my reindeer!

POLICE: Animal rights abuse! Parking offences! Water restrictions! You'll be going away for a long time, my friend!

SANTA: Noooo! (is dragged out)

the KIDs skip back in happily, singing.

KID 1: You better watch out, you better not cry, you better not run, I'm telling you why…

KID 2: Santa Claus is going down town!

KID 1 picks up the sack of presents, grins and the KIDS skip away.

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