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Overlord Doom

A restaurant. A man, OLIVER, is trying to have a date with a LADY.

LADY: Oliver, I've had a lovely time tonight, but, since I've just met you, I have to ask... well, every guy I meet turns out to be hiding some weird secret.

OLIVER: What do you mean?

LADY: Well, the last guy was a fugitive, the guy before him was attracted to goats, and the one before that liked boy bands.

OLIVER: (wincing) Ooh. Oh! No, I'm normal, I swear!

Three Power Ranger-like MASKED HEROES, each dressed in a particular colour (red, green, blue), burst into the room.

BLUE: Stop right there, (HEROES:) criminal scum!

OLIVER: Oh, for Christ's sake...

BLUE: Overlord Doom! What fair maiden have you kidnapped this time?

LADY: Excuse me?

OLIVER: No, look, these guys have me mistaken. (to HEROES) For the last time, my name is not Overlord Doom!

RED: Yes it is!

OLIVER: No, listen! It's Oliver! O-li-ver.

GREEN: Oliver... DOOM?

OLIVER: No! It's Dude, okay? Oliver Dude!

BLUE: What kind of stupid name is that?

RED: It must be his secret identity!

OLIVER: It's not a secret!

BLUE: a-HA!

OLIVER: Oh my God! You three are the worst hero team ever! Green isn't even a primary colour!

GREEN: It is so! Digitally.

BLUE: If you're not the villainous Overlord Doom, then explain this! (He pulls out a mouse.)

OLIVER: … That's mine!

BLUE: A USB drive, full of your nefarious plans, which we stole from your dark underground lair!

OLIVER: Are you retarded?

RED: And explain the incriminating documents we turned over to the police last week!

OLIVER: My Chemistry assignments?

GREEN: And explain why your underground lair is guarded by that foul ogre you call a henchman!

OLIVER: That is my mother!

LADY: Wait a second. Do you live in your mother's basement?

OLIVER: (stammering) I, well, uh...

BLUE: (dramatically) In a dark underground lair!

RED: Full of mysterious computer equipment!

GREEN: And lubricant!

OLIVER: I'm not your nemesis! I'm just a guy writing a Chemistry thesis! Get out!

BLUE: You'll never stop us, Overlord Doom!

They strike a pose while action music plays.

BLUE: Blue Hero!

RED: Red Hero!

GREEN: Digital Green Hero!

HEROES: GO TEAM!

BLUE: Team Attack!

HEROES: POWER BEAM!

(the three of them strike “shooting laser beams” poses at OLIVER. Nothing happens. OLIVER takes a deep breath.)

OLIVER: PISS OFF!

BLUE: You win this round, Doom! But we'll be back for the final battle!

The HEROES retreat.

OLIVER: Sorry about that. Can we try that again?

LADY: I suppose...

Just as they settle back down, a HENCHMAN barges in and stands to attention by the table.

HENCHMAN: Overlord Doom! The Dark Army is awaiting your orders!

LADY: Oh, damn! I forgot! (Starts to put on a ridiculous evil costume.) Sorry, Oliver, we'll have to do this some other time. Lead on, General Mayhem! Soon the world will be mine!

 

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