Show Archive‎ > ‎2009‎ > ‎Scripts‎ > ‎

Designer Baby

Set in a designer baby shop. Has "Designer Babies: we make babies while u wait!". A MOTHER and her teenage son, BRIAN, walk up to the returns counter, where a CLERK is standing. BRIAN is generally sulky, and wearing a nappy and sucking a dummy.

Clerk: Hello ma'am how can I help you?

Mother: Hi, I'd like to return this item.

Clerk: Okay, what's wrong with it?

Mother: Well, the box says it's a baby, but it's huge! I tried to put it back in the box and it broke the bloody box!

Brian: (Takes out dummy) Waaah.

Clerk: So, how long ago did you purchase this baby?

Mother: About 16 years. I just left it out in the back room for a few years and... things happened.

Clerk: Yes, well, the repackaging guarantee only lasts two years for fully limbed babies.

Mother: But it's totally useless, it can't cook, it can't clean, I'm not sure it knows how to bathe-

(Baby scratches self)

Clerk: Ma'am we don't make any claims about the abilities or intelligence of the baby.

Brian: (Takes out dummy) Exactly - can I have my clothes back now?


Clerk: I think I see the problem ma'am; your baby has grown up.

Brian: Sure have. (lights up cigarette. To clerk - flirtatious) Hey - I need someone to change my nappy.

Mother: Is there nothing you can do to fix it?

Clerk: I don't think it needs fixing (Clerk and Brian walk off together)

Mother: Can I at least trade it in for a younger model?

Lights down.
Comments