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CSI: Murder Mystery

A crime scene. An UNLUCKY BASTARD is lying dead on the stage. BRIANNA is presiding over everything. ALEX enters.

ALEX: What have we got?

BRIANNA: One dead body, white, female. Julia Potter. The family’s been notified. University student, keen amateur kayaker, gave generously to charity.

ALEX: And how did she die?

BRIANNA: Well, that’s the thing. We don’t know! Forensics has been here for hours, and so far, we've got no cause of death.

ALEX: Looks like it could be a tough one, all right.

Music sting! CSI investigators enter; HORATIO, TINA and SAM.

HORATIO: I declare this crime scene (puts on sunglasses) open for investigation.

ALEX: Who are you?

SAM: We’re CSI!

TINA: Out of the way!

TINA and SAM start doing exactly what the others have been doing. HORATIO remains where he was.

SAM: I see you regular cops have been blundering around, drawing your ridiculous conclusions as usual.

BRIANNA: What, that the victim is dead?

SAM: Exactly.
ALEX: We've been looking for clues! We’ve found some evidence.(Holds it up.)

HORATIO: If only you could find... (Sunglasses) your credibility.(music sting.)

TINA: We’ll take it from here. Get away, you’re contaminating the crime scene. (starts messing around with the body without gloves on)

SAM: Did you dolt-heads find anything at all?

ALEX: A few of the victim's fingerprints, an iphone and a candlestick. But we have no idea how she died. It’s as though this perfectly healthy twenty-year-old just dropped dead of her own accord.

HORATIO: People don’t just drop dead of their own accord... (sunglasses) except when they do. (Sting)

BRIANNA: Yes, but what does it mean?

HORATIO: it means that our murder victim... (sunglasses) may have been murdered. (Sting)

SAM: What do we know about the victim?

BRIANNA: Well, she was a student, she gave to charity, and she was a keen kayaker.

HORATIO: A kayaking victim! I guess that means she was up a creek... (sunglasses)

ALEX: She also liked...

HORATIO: (interrupting)...without a paddle. (Sting)

TINA: Once again, you guys have missed out a lot here.

ALEX: Like what?

SAM: Let me demonstrate. I have this blue light. It lets me see evidence.

BRIANNA: What type of evidence?

SAM: All types of evidence. Blood, semen, hair... once I found my keys. (pause) They were behind the couch.

Sam turns on the light, looks at the body with it and then looks around a bit. He reaches the candlestick, and suddenly stops.

BRIANNA: There's something on the candlestick!

SAM: It's blood!

BRIANNA: How do you know it’s not semen... or your keys?

TINA: So the candlestick is the murder weapon.


HOLMES: Did somebody say candlestick?

TINA: Oh my god! It's Sherlock Holmes, and his friend... that other guy.

WATSON: Hello!

SAM: Can you help us with this murder case?

HOLMES: Certainly. Just give me some space, and my friend Doctor Watson will give you an excellent Medical opinion. Watson?

WATSON: Holmes! She’s dead!

HOLMES: Ah! I suspected as much. Tell me, how did she die?

BRIANNA: It looks like she was brained by a candlestick.

HOLMES: Hmm... Tell me. This lady, does she have an evil twin?


HOLMES: Has she stolen any kind of government paper that could bring down civilisation as we know it?


HOLMES: Is her family plagued by an evil Dog from the Pits of Hell?


HOLMES: ... strange. It’s usually one of those three. I am afraid to say I am at a loss. Don’t write that down, Watson.

The sound of the TARDIS materialising, possibly a blue light, and THE DOCTOR enters.

DOCTOR: Hello everyone! Blimey! Look at all of you! (He licks his finger, tastes the air, etc, Does Doctory stuff) So what’s going on here, then?

SAM: I’m sorry, who is this?

HOLMES: This is the Doctor!

TINA: Doctor Who?

DOCTOR: Exactly! Hello, I’m the Doctor.

HOLMES: Yes, he’s a time lord, an alien from the planet Gallifrey who travels through time and space. We need your help, Doctor. There’s a mystery here that needs solving.

DOCTOR: Well, I suppose I can help. I am brilliant, after all. What have we got then?

HOLMES: This poor girl was killed by that candlestick.

DOCTOR: Hang on... (looks at it) Oh, wait... let me look at... ooh, you're a... are you? Oh, you aren't.


DOCTOR: I thought it was a candlestick from the planet Waxon. Tricky little buggers, those Waxons. But no, it’s just a regular candlestick. Which is brilliant, by the way. Love candlesticks.

ALEX: Okay. What now?

DOCTOR: I’m sure we can still get to the bottom of this.

HORATIO: Trouble is, that the bottom... (sunglasses) is a long way down. (Sting)

DOCTOR: A sense of perspective! I like you! Brilliant! This is fun! So we have no idea whatsoever who killed her?

SAM: Absolutely none.

HOLMES: But wait, if you look at the dining room window...

BRIANNA: It's open!

WATSON: How strange!

TINA: So hang on, according to Julia’s iPhone, she would have finished Kayak training at 5 o'clock sharp.

SAM: And given the state of the traffic, she would have arrived here at exactly... 5:43pm.

HOLMES: Ah, yes! But if you look at her shoes you observe a slightly muddy adhesion which indicated she walked through mud on her way home, making her trek slower, so she wouldn’t have arrived here until… 5:47 pm!

HORATIO: One thing we do know is... she was alive... (sunglasses) when they killed her.

DOCTOR: 5:47? Blimey! At that exact time, a ripple in the space-time continuum swept through here from the horsehead nebula, causing massive winds in this vicinity!
SAM: So the massive wind gust blew in, opened the window and threw the candlestick into the back of her head?

BRIANNA: So that's what killed her?

DOCTOR: Blimey! And if we look around... (shines sonic screwdriver)

SAM: (to Brianna) See - all good detectives have a blue light.

The sonic screwdriver beeps as the Doctor narrows in on some keys on the ground.


ALEX: What is it?

TINA: Blood?

HOLMES: Semen?

HORATIO: Credibility?

DOCTOR: No… Her keys!

Hard lights down.