Show Archive‎ > ‎2009‎ > ‎Scripts‎ > ‎

CSI (fresh eyes attempt)

NORMAL INVESTIGATORS litter the stage doing actual science. Generic murder has taken place. They have carefully arranged scientific equipment and have roped off the stage properly. They remain diligently investigating and collecting evidence through out the scene. There is a DEAD BODY with a knife stuck in its back.

NI1: I’d estimate time of death at about 3:42am but we’ll have to get the bloodwork checked.

NI2: I’ll send it off, should have something by next week.



HORATIO: I declare this crime scene takes off sunglasses open for investigation

Music sting!

The NORMAL INVESTIGATORS sigh a little but continue working around the invaders.

HORATIO: Tina, the bloodwork! Sam, scan for clues!

Tina approaches the body and tastes the blood

TINA: Time of death 6:18 pm and 47 seconds. Beat and 4 picosecond 

NI1 sighs noticeably in reaction to this.

SAM pulls out the magic blue light and shines it round the stage. They instantly spot a tiny hair. NI2 was about to reach it but SAM swoops in and scoops it up. NI2 shows irritation at this.

SAM: A hair! I’ll check it for DNA!

SAM vaguely waves a handheld scanner over the hair.

SAM: The killer was one Julia Tomkinson-Smythe. 47 years old, real estate agent, enjoys canoeing.

HORATIO:  A canoeing killer - I guess that means our victim was up a creek… Takes off glasses, long beat

SAM: And if you look at-

HORATIO (interrupts): without a paddle.

TINA: So who do we think killed her? 

HORATIO: One thing we do know is... she was alive... (sunglasses) when he killed her.

BIZARRO CSI burst in and take up the same pose that CSI did.

HORATIO: Who are you?

BIZARRO HORATIO: CSI - Crap Science Investigators (looks at broken tape, takes off his normal glasses): Who’s been messing with the crime scene tape?

NI2 looks up and points at HORATIO, etc.

BIZARRO TINA:  You guys are the worst forensic investigators ever!

HORATIO: That’s what… She said. (sunglasses, etc.)

BIZZARO SAM: That’s right. She just said that.

BIZARRO HORATIO:  You are a pathetic excuse for a forensic team. You burst in, contaminate the evidence and show no regard for proper forensic procedures. You use shonky, nonsensical science and you solve crimes in the most ridiculous way possible. 

SAM: But we have a blue light!

BIZARRO SAM: Oh, of course, the blue light! A light that shows everything – hairs, semen, nails, and on at least one occasion (something else here). If only it could find your credibility!

TINA: Don’t be mean!

BIZZARO TINA: Shut up.  You tasted the blood, didn’t you? She tasted the blood, didn’t she?

The NIs nod.

BIZZARO TINA: What sort of a forensic investigator are you? You’re a joke!

BIZARRO HORATIO (to HORATIO): You and your freaking sunglasses! It’s 5am! Why the heck do you need sunglasses! And why do you keep taking them on and off? Make up your damn mind!

*needs punchline* (how original)