Show Archive‎ > ‎2009‎ > ‎Scripts‎ > ‎

CSI (Common Sense Investigators)

Lights up on a speaker centre stage, with a board and graphs behind her.


Speaker: Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to tonight’s Climate Change forum. For years scientists have been trying to tell us that we are in for trouble, that the polar ice caps will melt, the seas will rise and that we will drown, in a way that may look comical when applied to polar bears, but will be tragic for the human race. They tell us that the carbon dioxide and other poisonous gasses that we pump into the atmosphere is causing the destruction of the global environment. However, the geological record tells us that the earth has gone through literally hundreds of climate shifts far more dramatic than the one we are experiencing now without the help of humanity. The fact is, that unscrupulous scientists have a vested interest in causing panic because this will cause more money to go to climate change research-


Music of CSI riff, and Veteran, Assistant and Horatio walk on. Horatio has sunglasses (or aviators) on.


Veteran: Well? What have we got here?

Assistant: Looks like we’ve got a climate change denier.

Horatio: Well it looks like the climate in this room (Puts on sunglasses, puts hands on hips), is about to change. (Holds pose, only moves to strike a similar pose, continues in this vein.)

Speaker: I’m trying to give a talk here. Who are you?

Veteran: CSI. Common Sense Investigators. We’ve had a report of unusually high levels of common sense in this area.

Speaker: No, but who are you?

Veteran: I’m the main guy. That’s my actual name. I’m the veteran actor that people have seen in other oddly similar American crime shows before.

Speaker: I see. And you are?

Assistant: I’m the sexy female assistant. Do you think my outfit is low cut enough?

Speaker: Erm, fine. And who’s that?

Veteran: That’s Horatio. He’s our product placement.

Horatio: That’s my name. I would ask you not to wear it out but that’s okay, bcause it’s ensured with AAMI (sings) “Lucky!! You’re with Amy!” Yes, Product Placement is my middle name. Horatio “Product Placement” McDonalds.

Speaker: I see. And why are you here?

Veteran: We’re investigating common sense.

Assistant: You’ve been lecturing about the environment, I see.

Speaker: … yes?

Assistant: suggesting that global warming is made up?

Speaker: … yes?


Veteran and Assistant shake their heads simultaneously.


Assistant: Bad idea, sister.

Veteran: There is no doubt that global warming is occurring. No doubt at all.

Horatio: Exactly. It’s getting so hot in here because of all the climate change; I may have to take off my Marcs designer shirt! Good thing I’ve got my Lynx! (He sprays some on liberally.)

Assistant: You tell her, Horatio.

Horatio: I just did.

Veteran: So what’s the deal, huh? With all these graphs and things? What’s your plan?

Speaker: Er… well, I’m going-

Assistant: Was going.

Speaker: … was going… to present some evidence from the geological record to suggest that we are not actually experiencing human-induced global warming, we’re actually just coming to the end of the Pleistocene ice age?

Horatio: I’m so cool that I walk outside and (puts on sunnies) an ice age begins.

Veteran: How much did they pay you?

Speaker: to do what?

Veteran: to tell these filthy lies! How much?

Horatio: Probably more than it would cost to buy breakfast at KFC! Can’t beat that taste!

Speaker: What are you on about?!

Assistant: Well the fact is that Common Sense in the face of climate change is highly illegal and almost as unfashionable at the moment.

Horatio: And we should know what fashion means.

Assistant: Scientific inquiry into climate change is allowed, however only into proving that climate change is occurring, not coming up with theories that it isn’t.

Speaker: Why?

Assistant: Because it’s popular.

Horatio: And also because we can sell more hats if there’s more danger of sunburn.

Veteran: You’re going to have to come with us for processing, ah, questioning.

Speaker: Look, I never said climate change was or wasn’t happening; I was just presenting viable alternative theories!

Horatio: Ah! The global warming is getting to me! I’m getting dehydrated! I need a bottle of nice cool refreshing Sprite! Luckily I’ve got one right here! (Takes out a bottle, takes a drink, and holds drinking pose for an absurdly long period of time.)

Veteran: Anyway, come on! We’ll make a consumer out of you yet!


Veteran and Assistant grab speaker and march her off. Horatio stands in his pose for a bit, then walks off.