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World Old Day

World Old Day

Written by Brendan, Paul, Danos

*Crowd of old people (C), 1 old guy at a podium (P), a young asian paramedic standing at the back (A)

**each time a person dies, paramedic goes and checks their pulse

P: Welcome everyone to World Old Day.

C1: Speak up!

P: What?

C2: Speak up!

P: What?

C all: Speak up!

P: Oh ok, well I hope your pacemakers are fully charged and your colostomy bags are empty, because this year is going to be mildly exciting!

C: cheers

*one person in crowd dies of heart attack

P: So today we are going to crown the grand champion of bingo!

C: (chanting) bingo bingo bingo...

P: (yelling) shutup shutup, first we have a comedian

C (one person): (grumbling) i'd rather bingo...

(up on one of the balconys)

*lights on one guy (perhaps a fake brick wall behind him)

Comedian: Sooo... whats the deal... with young people

*lights off him

All: *laughter

*one dies of heart attack

*podium guy falls asleep

*Paramedic goes and wakes him up

P: Time for Bingo!

C all: (yells bingo lots)

P: SHUTUP! Now remember, you have to say “Bingo” to win. (emphasize the word bingo)

*P rolls bingo thing and pulls out numbers one by one, while people in C mark off things on their sheets

C1: Bin... *dies

C2: Bi..*dies

C3: Bingo! (slumps over) (at this point he is the only living crowd member left)

*paramedic checks his pulse, as P waits expectantly

A: He's got a pulse

*paramedic wakes him up

P: Congratulations as bingo grand champion you're the winner of a beautiful all expenses paid trip to Vietnam!

Winner: I've already been there, (panics) I don't want to go again...

P: You didn't want to go then either... GUARDS!

*two army people walk in and drag the winner out

Winner: Nooooo!

P: Well back in MY day, wars were the only FUN we had! And things were simpler too, there was only one type of asian...

*paramedic puts his head in his hands and shakes his head we have all these different chinks and gooks, taking our jobs, and another thing, back in my day, we didn't even have old people!...

*paramedic looks at his watch a couple of times and starts to walk around behind the podium guy

P:...everyone was young and gay, and not that new type of gay either! And the intertube! What are people thinking? Where are we going to fit all those tube anyway...

*paramedic scares P to death, and looks satisfied

*lights down