World Old Day

Written by Brendan, Paul, Danos

*Crowd of old people (C), 1 old guy at a podium (P), a young asian paramedic standing at the back (A)

**each time a person dies, paramedic goes and checks their pulse

P: Welcome everyone to World Old Day.

C1: Speak up!

P: What?

C2: Speak up!

P: What?

C all: Speak up!

P: Oh ok, well I hope your pacemakers are fully charged and your colostomy bags are empty, because this year is going to be mildly exciting!

C: cheers

*one person in crowd dies of heart attack

P: So today we are going to crown the grand champion of bingo!

C: (chanting) bingo bingo bingo...

P: (yelling) shutup shutup, first we have a comedian

C (one person): (grumbling) i'd rather bingo...

(up on one of the balconys)

*lights on one guy (perhaps a fake brick wall behind him)

Comedian: Sooo... whats the deal... with young people

*lights off him

All: *laughter

*one dies of heart attack

*podium guy falls asleep

*Paramedic goes and wakes him up

P: Time for Bingo!

C all: (yells bingo lots)

P: SHUTUP! Now remember, you have to say “Bingo” to win. (emphasize the word bingo)

*P rolls bingo thing and pulls out numbers one by one, while people in C mark off things on their sheets

C1: Bin... *dies

C2: Bi..*dies

C3: Bingo! (slumps over) (at this point he is the only living crowd member left)

*paramedic checks his pulse, as P waits expectantly

A: He's got a pulse

*paramedic wakes him up

P: Congratulations as bingo grand champion you're the winner of a beautiful all expenses paid trip to Vietnam!

Winner: I've already been there, (panics) I don't want to go again...

P: You didn't want to go then either... GUARDS!

*two army people walk in and drag the winner out

Winner: Nooooo!

P: Well back in MY day, wars were the only FUN we had! And things were simpler too, there was only one type of asian...

*paramedic puts his head in his hands and shakes his head

P:...now we have all these different chinks and gooks, taking our jobs, and another thing, back in my day, we didn't even have old people!...

*paramedic looks at his watch a couple of times and starts to walk around behind the podium guy

P:...everyone was young and gay, and not that new type of gay either! And the intertube! What are people thinking? Where are we going to fit all those tube anyway...

*paramedic scares P to death, and looks satisfied

*lights down