Show Archive‎ > ‎2008‎ > ‎Scripts‎ > ‎

Too Many Friends

Jeff: Thankyou all for coming, I’ve called you all here because I face a problem. I have too many friends.


Friend1: What do you mean, ‘too many’?


Jeff: Exactly that, there are too many of you.


Friend2: I can’t see how that can be a problem for anyone.


Jeff: Oh it’s a problem alright. I’m double booking myself, I’m losing track of who’s who. I’ve got no time to myself!


Jackie: Jeff, have you flipped?


Jeff: No, I’ve just come to the realisation that some of you have got to go.




Jackie: Jeff, you can’t just weed out your friends.


Jeff: Can’t I, Jackie? Can’t I? It so happens you’re the first on my list to go.


Jackie: What! Fuck you Jeff I don’t want to be friends with you if this is who you are.


Jeff: Good, that’s how I want it.


Exit Jackie


Bill: Jeff, you’re a bastard I can’t believe you just did that to Jackie. I’m with her I’m leaving.


Jeff: Actually no, Bill. I’m planning to keep you on.


Bill: No, you’re not, I’m off.


Exit Bill


Jeff: Ok, fine. Alice, I was going to get rid of you but Bill’s gone now so you can stay.


Alice: I can’t believe you Jeff. I would never have become friends with you in the first place if I knew you were such an ass hole.


Jeff: Ok look, I’ll leave it up to you guys. Everyone who wants to leave just leave now, everyone else stay.


Pause. Exit all but one.


Jeff: Awesome, Dave, you and I, friends for life.


Dave can’t hear because he is listening to his ipod


Jeff: Dave?


Dave pulls out earphones


Dave: Huh?


Jeff: Um, nothing. Let’s go get a beer.


Dave: Where’d everyone else go?


Jeff: Ahh, nowhere. They all had something on, let’s go.


Dave: Yeah ok.


Dave’s phone rings.


Dave: Hang on, Jeff. Hello? What do you mean where am I? Where are you?


Jeff: Come on, let’s just go hey.


Dave: No I didn’t hear anything I was listening to music…Jeff did what? Yeah I’m coming now.


 Dave stares at Jeff who stands looking guilty


Jeff: What?


Dave: You’re an idiot, Jeff. Goodbye.


Jeff stares around for a bit, puts his hands in his pockets then whistles as he walks off stage, friendless.







Written by Matt