Show Archive‎ > ‎2008‎ > ‎Scripts‎ > ‎

Sperm Troopers

Dark Stage.

Voiceover: All right men! You've been training hard and this is what it has all been leading up to! You must secure the target at all costs! Now Go! Go! Go!

Lights up. Three people enter dressed in paratrooper uniforms, Big Y, Little Y and Ms X.

Big Y: This way men!

Ms X: And women!

Big Y: Whatever...

The three characters start marching/crawling/doing commando rolls across the stage

Big Y: Navigator, location check!

Ms X pulls out a map, looks around for landmarks and then turns the map upside down. She looks around again.

Little Y: Are we there yet?

Ms X: pointing straight ahead I think we go that way and hang a left at the T-junction

Big Y: Right! Onwards men to Ms X and woman.

Characters continue traveling. Big Y is very confident, little Y and X grow more unsure

Little Y: Are we there yet?

Big Y: Silence Soldier! The target has to be around here somewhere. I can smell it...


Ms X: Is it just me or is that the spleen?

Little Y: I knew we shouldn't have left the others! We are so lost!

Big Y: We are not lost! This is a short cut!

Ms X: Who told you that?

Big Y: Gut feeling. I'm an instinct guy.

Ms X and little Y exchange a look

Little Y: Are we there yet? 

nobody responds

Little Y: I knew it! We ARE lost!

Big Y: We are NOT lost! We are just temporarily misplaced...

Ms X turns the map upside down again.

Ms X: We should go back and ask for directions. I'm pretty sure we passed a white blood cell a while back.

Big Y: Turn back? That's the cowards choice! Onward soldiers!

Big Y starts marching in a random direction
Ms X sighs and turns the map upside down again and then points in the opposite direction

Ms X: It's that way...

Little Y: Doomed! We're all dooooooomed! We're going to be lost in here forever with only the occasional virus to keep us company and everyone knows they always cheat at cards!

Big Y: snap out of it soldier! We will complete this mission and locate the target if it kills you.

Little Y: But we've only got enough supplies for a little while longer!

Ms X in the background: How on earth did we end up in the ear?
Turns the map upside down
Ms X: No... wait... I think it's an elbow...

Little Y: So which way do we go?

Ms X/ Big Y: This way! pointing in opposite directions

Ms X: Wait! Turns map upside down again no, you're right. It is that way.

The troopers walk a little further across the stage

Big Y: We're getting close... I can feel it...

The lighting begins to change to a more red colour as the characters approach a dark shape. The dark shape revels itself to be a large ugly egg (possibly played by a guy)

Egg: Hello boys!

MsX/BigY/LittleY: Argh! Abort! Abort!

The Sperm scatter in panic as the lights go down.