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Shakespeare Play

(Ridiculous English accents are nice but speed is more important.)

(SOUNDBOARDINGTON is standing around the stage in Renaissance clothing, doing nothing in particular. BOB (in similar gear, but with scrolls or whatever) rushes over.)

BOB: What ho!

SOUND: Ah! Bob. Good morning.

BOB: Good morning, Soundboardington. Would you mind terribly if I ran some thoughts by thee?

SOUND: Oh, thy wouldn't mind at all.


SOUND: Is that right?

BOB: Thou?

SOUND: Thine?

BOB: Thoo?

SOUND: Never mind. What was it thou wanted?

BOB: I have an idea for a play and I was wondering what thee thought. Thou thought?

SOUND: Thor feet? Do tell.

BOB: It's a parody of William Shakespeare's famous plays. I call it... “SHAKESPEARE PLAY”. The tag line will be “YOUR FAVOURITE PLAYS OF ALL TIME ARE GOING DOWN!”

SOUND: Ah! I'm partial to A Midsummer Night's Dream myself.

BOB: (confused) Never heard of it. Anyway, here's thee-- thine idea so far, right. So Hamlet is walking home in London one night when –

SOUND: But Hamlet lives in Denmark.

BOB: That's details, Sound. You don't need details in a parody. Anyway, he runs into Romeo –

SOUND: From Italy.

BOB: (ignoring him) and they go back to his place for a drink, right, and somehow Romeo agrees to kill Hamlet's uncle in exchange for his daughter Juliet's hand in marriage.

SOUND: But –

BOB: Waitwaitwait, this is the good bit. So Juliet's character... is played... by a MAN.

SOUND: A what?

BOB: A man. Get it?


BOB: See, Juliet is a woman.

SOUND: Oh. Ha ha! How droll. Go on.

BOB: Anyway, they go to France and get a training montage from Macbeth –

SOUND: Isn't he Scotland?

BOB: Details! Anyway, so it turns out Romeo has a rival! The black guy from Othello!

SOUND: From Venice?

BOB: (cutting him off) Wait! Here's the good bit! The black guy... is played... by...

SOUND: A woman?

BOB: A white woman. Get it?

SOUND: Ha ha! Extremely droll, sir.

BOB: Anyway, Othello challenges him to a boat race, so Romeo gets Telemachus to –

SOUND: Wait, which play is this?

BOB: The Odyssey.

SOUND: That's a poem by Homer.

BOB: So? It's topical.

SOUND: But –

BOB: (cutting him off) Ap bap bap bap! Anyway, they get shipwrecked on that island from The Tempest

SOUND: Ah! Now that's topical!

BOB: What? No, you fool! It's Shakespeare. So then they run into that big-nosed Jew from The Merchant of Venice

SOUND: What's he doing there?

BOB: That's topical. No, wait.

SOUND: Droll?

BOB: No. (snaps his fingers) Details! So anyway, then they run into Jesus of Nazareth –

SOUND: What?

BOB: Thou know, the Bible? Thee know. Thy know. Knowst? Anyway, it's topical, all right? So next they do a segment from Love's Labours Won and –

SOUND: Thou hast that?

BOB: Well, no, but we can see the trailer and do a funny take on that by the time it comes out, right? Then everyone will get it, 'cause there aren't any details.

SOUND: But it's his lost play! There isn't going to be a Love's Labours Won trailer, Bob.

BOB: Thy not? No, why not! Bloody hell!

SOUND: Shakespeare's dead, Bob. It's 2008.

(long pause.)

BOB: (snaps his fingers) ZOMBIE SHAKESPEARE RAP! Get it?

(lights out)