lights up. HARRY and GENERAL LEE CURIOUS are flanking a big red button (the same used in the nude sketch) SERGEANT EXPENDABLE AND LIEUTENANT FORGETTABLE are both also there carrying large guns.
HARRY begins reading off a clipboard (the instructions the PROFESSOR left him)
HARRY: (reading off a clipboard) Okay... "Go to Stonehenge." Check. "Place the Arc." Check. "Activate ancient weapon and take the throne." How long? GENERAL: (looking at watch) One minute, sir! HARRY: (clipboard) I'll just put "check"... "Party down". Exellent! (to GENERAL) Curious, did you get the Red Bull? GENERAL: Red Bull sir? HARRY: Yes I told you, enough Red Bull to kill a dugong! GENERAL: A dugong sir? HARRY: Yes a dugong. GENERAL: Why a Dugong? HARRY: I fucking hate dugong! GENERAL: err... (just noticing the fridge) In the fridge sir. HARRY: What, the dugong or the red bull? GENERAL: The red bull sir. HARRY goes to open the fridge. INDIANA, PETIT MIAM and MARCUS burst out INDIANA: (pointing a gun) Harry! HARRY: Indiana Jones! But... I... you... HOW, WHO? MARCUS: Oh, don't mind me. INDIANA: We escaped in this fridge. It's got heat-resistant paint. (a pause.) HARRY: That doesn't even make SENSE! PETIT MIAM: What, don't you know science? (random awkward pause... okay so it's not random, but I just wanted to put it in to see if people actually read stage directions.) HARRY: Well, nice try Indiana Jones, but you are too late! Stonehenge... (To Marcus) Look, who are you, what are you doing here? MARCUS: Oh, no, I wouldn't want to interrupt. HARRY: Well good, don't. Anyway, Stonehenge is calibrated and ready. Keep your distance or we'll set it off! (EXPENDABLE and FORGETTABLE threaten INDIANA and PETIT MIAM with big guns) PETIT MIAM: (very needy and clingy-literally) Indy, what's going to happen? INDIANA: I don't know, I just don't know! HARRY: You don't know? (stressed) You don't KNOW? (mocking) The great Dr Jones doesn't know! GENERAL: (obviously unnoticed) Sir. Shouldn't we be activating- (the weapon) HARRY: Take a look at Stonehenge, Jones. Does it remind you of anything? Anything else large and circular? Does it remind you of a … Large Hadron Collidor… for instance?INDIANA: … no. (Doesn’t get it) HARRY: Well, it is… in fact… a Large Hadron Collidor! INDIANA & PETIT MIAM: Oh- my- god! HARRY: Yes! At anytime I could create a massive black hole and destroy the world! Unless you make me king! PETIT MIAM: Of England? GENERAL: (obviously unnoticed) Sir the weapon IS ready now- HARRY: (epically manic) OF EVERYTHING!!!INDIANA: You won't get away with this!
Indiana shoots at Harry, Forgettable throws himself in front of Harry, stopping the bullet and dying. HARRY: Ha! Missed! GENERAL: Harry! He just saved your life! HARRY: Huh? (Notices FORGETTABLE) Oh, my god! Sargent Expendable! EXPENDABLE: um… Sir, I’m sergeant expendable. That was Lieutenant Forgettable. HARRY: Who? (dismissive) doesn't matter. Watch Dr Jones as I activate stonehenge and become king of the world! HARRY is about to hit the button when: enter LINUS and CHORD with miscellaneous soldiers (dancers)
LINUS: Hold it right there!
CHORD: Yeah! Stick em up you inbred, overblown, undersized excuse for a prince!
HARRY: I AM NOT OVERBLOWN!! (clearly overblown and advancing menacingly on CHORD)
CHORD: You're under arrest for pretty much everything! HARRY: Oh well done! Well done indeed, now the best plan in the revue is ruined! (fanfare) STEVE: Did someone call for a... hang on! GENERAL: Oh for God's sake! (hits button)
(enter backstage ninjas who remove quick release clothing from GENERAL a la nude sketch)
CHORD: Well he's not undersized!
LINUS: (exasperated) Chord, time and place
(GENERAL hides behind HARRY-possibly borrows a coat off him)
LINUS: We were going to tell you: by shrinking the arc de triamph you've reduced the power of stonehenge
CHORD: Now it only makes itty-bitty black holes!
LINUS: enough to remove your clothing at any rate. Right men!
(soldiers remove GENERAL and HARRY)
GENERAL: That's what you get for trusting scientist!
HARRY: Oh shut up!
LINUS: (to Indy) Excellent work Dr Jones, your subscription to Archeology Today will be returned to you accordingly.
INDIANA: What are you going to do with the arc?
LINUS: Don't worry. The arc will go somewhere very safe.
CHORD: We're going to hide it in a box in a warehouse. It's just off highway 16, past Holbrooks, if you make it to Ashtonberry you've gone too far
LINUS: God dammit Chord!
LINUS and CHORD go to talk to the remaining soldiers in the background
PETIT MIAM: OH Indy! You were magnificent! But what if someone else reactivates stonehenge?
INDIANA: Never fear Petit Miam! I shall re-calibrate it so nobody will be able to use it again.
Calibration begins and dancers (soldiers) start dancing. Cast runs on and bows. There is massive applause.
Lights down. |
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