Yes, it's another fifth skit

lights up. HARRY and GENERAL LEE CURIOUS are flanking a big red button (the same used in the nude sketch) SERGEANT EXPENDABLE AND LIEUTENANT FORGETTABLE are both also there carrying large guns.

HARRY begins reading off a clipboard (the instructions the PROFESSOR left him)

HARRY: (reading off a clipboard) Okay... "Go to Stonehenge." Check. "Place the Arc." Check. "Activate ancient weapon and take the throne." How long?

GENERAL: (looking at watch) One minute, sir!

HARRY: (clipboard) I'll just put "check"... "Party down". Exellent! (to GENERAL) Curious, did you get the Red Bull?

GENERAL: Red Bull sir?

HARRY: Yes I told you, enough Red Bull to kill a dugong!

GENERAL: A dugong sir?

HARRY: Yes a dugong.

GENERAL: Why a Dugong?

HARRY: I fucking hate dugong!

GENERAL: err... (just noticing the fridge) In the fridge sir.

HARRY: What, the dugong or the red bull?

GENERAL: The red bull sir.

HARRY goes to open the fridge. INDIANA, PETIT MIAM and MARCUS burst out

INDIANA: (pointing a gun) Harry!

HARRY: Indiana Jones! But... I... you... HOW, WHO?

MARCUS: Oh, don't mind me.

INDIANA: We escaped in this fridge. It's got heat-resistant paint.

(a pause.)

HARRY: That doesn't even make SENSE!

PETIT MIAM: What, don't you know science?

(random awkward pause... okay so it's not random, but I just wanted to put it in to see if people actually read stage directions.)

HARRY: Well, nice try Indiana Jones, but you are too late! Stonehenge... (To Marcus) Look, who are you, what are you doing here?

MARCUS: Oh, no, I wouldn't want to interrupt.

HARRY: Well good, don't. Anyway, Stonehenge is calibrated and ready. Keep your distance or we'll set it off!

(EXPENDABLE and FORGETTABLE threaten INDIANA and PETIT MIAM with big guns)

PETIT MIAM: (very needy and clingy-literally) Indy, what's going to happen?

INDIANA: I don't know, I just don't know!

HARRY: You don't know? (stressed) You don't KNOW? (mocking) The great Dr Jones doesn't know!

GENERAL: (obviously unnoticed) Sir. Shouldn't we be activating- (the weapon)

HARRY: Take a look at Stonehenge, Jones. Does it remind you of anything? Anything else large and circular? Does it remind you of a … Large Hadron Collidor… for instance?

INDIANA: … no. (Doesn’t get it)

HARRY: Well, it is… in fact… a Large Hadron Collidor!

INDIANA & PETIT MIAM: Oh- my- god!

HARRY: Yes! At anytime I could create a massive black hole and destroy the world! Unless you make me king!

PETIT MIAM: Of England?

GENERAL: (obviously unnoticed) Sir the weapon IS ready now-

HARRY: (epically manic) OF EVERYTHING!!!

INDIANA: You won't get away with this!

Indiana shoots at Harry, Forgettable throws himself in front of Harry, stopping the bullet and dying.

HARRY: Ha! Missed!

GENERAL: Harry! He just saved your life!

HARRY: Huh? (Notices FORGETTABLE) Oh, my god! Sargent Expendable!

EXPENDABLE: um… Sir, I’m sergeant expendable. That was Lieutenant Forgettable.

HARRY: Who? (dismissive) doesn't matter. Watch Dr Jones as I activate stonehenge and become king of the world!

HARRY is about to hit the button when: enter LINUS and CHORD with miscellaneous soldiers (dancers)

LINUS: Hold it right there!

CHORD: Yeah! Stick em up you inbred, overblown, undersized excuse for a prince!

HARRY: I AM NOT OVERBLOWN!! (clearly overblown and advancing menacingly on CHORD)

CHORD: You're under arrest for pretty much everything!

HARRY: Oh well done! Well done indeed, now the best plan in the revue is ruined!


STEVE: Did someone call for a... hang on!

GENERAL: Oh for God's sake! (hits button)

(enter backstage ninjas who remove quick release clothing from GENERAL a la nude sketch)

CHORD: Well he's not undersized!

LINUS: (exasperated) Chord, time and place

(GENERAL hides behind HARRY-possibly borrows a coat off him)

LINUS: We were going to tell you: by shrinking the arc de triamph you've reduced the power of stonehenge

CHORD: Now it only makes itty-bitty black holes!

LINUS: enough to remove your clothing at any rate. Right men!

(soldiers remove GENERAL and HARRY)

GENERAL: That's what you get for trusting scientist!

HARRY: Oh shut up!

LINUS: (to Indy) Excellent work Dr Jones, your subscription to Archeology Today will be returned to you accordingly.

INDIANA: What are you going to do with the arc?

LINUS: Don't worry. The arc will go somewhere very safe.

CHORD: We're going to hide it in a box in a warehouse. It's just off highway 16, past Holbrooks, if you make it to Ashtonberry you've gone too far

LINUS: God dammit Chord!

LINUS and CHORD go to talk to the remaining soldiers in the background

PETIT MIAM: OH Indy! You were magnificent! But what if someone else reactivates stonehenge?

INDIANA: Never fear Petit Miam! I shall re-calibrate it so nobody will be able to use it again.

Calibration begins and dancers (soldiers) start dancing. Cast runs on and bows. There is massive applause.

Lights down.