Third Sketch

(Lights up to PRINCE HARRY in his Nazi costume, standing at a table on one side of the stage. On the other side are the Nazi GENERAL CURIOUS, the scientist PROFESSOR EXPOSITION and the MIME standing at attention, plus NELSON trying to do the same but quivering with repressed excitement.)

HARRY: (looking around, audience included) Well, if we're all settled... I declare this secret meeting of the Obligatory Nazis of Britain in session!

CURIOUS & EXPOSITION: (hitler saluting) Heil, Prince Harry! (the MIME salutes silently, NELSON watches CURIOUS and tries to copy him)

HARRY: (saluting back) Heil! Right, let's do a roll call. (looking at a list) Prince Harry - that's me ... General Lee Curious?

CURIOUS: (salutes) Sir!

HARRY: Professor Paul Otto Exposition?

EXPOSITION: (salutes) Science!

HARRY: (deep breath) Petit Miam Pierre... (the MIME raises his hand. HARRY ignores him.) Philippe-Patrick Jean-Paul (the MIME raises it harder. HARRY looks at him, determined to finish anyway) Pascal... von... Henchman.

(the MIME silently applauds.)

HARRY: And... (looking at NELSON) Who the hell are you?

NELSON: (excited for the attention) Oh, Brendan Nelson, sir!

(A pause.)


NELSON: You know? Australia? Opposition Leader? Ring any bells?

(another pause. Harry stares.)

NELSON: Will you be my friend?

HARRY: No! Get out!

(NELSON looks dejected and leaves.)

HARRY: Right! How has the plan to steal the Arc de Triomphe gone, Henchman?

(the MIME mimes "good".)

HARRY: Any problems? ("no") Good. In that case, on to the next phase of my plan! Exposition, if you will.


(lights down, and the screen lights up with an image of Stonehenge.)

EXPOSITION: (narrating as relevant images pop up) This is Stonehenge, in England. Now, it has a secret - it's actually concealing an ancient and powerful artifact. To get to it, you must return the missing piece. Unfortunately, it's destroyed. But there is something else that's just the right shape. The Arc... (stock footage of the Arc of the Covenant) Not that one! (stock footage of the Arc de Triomphe) The Arc de Triomphe! The bad news is, its radius is too large. Therefore, we will shrink it!

(lights up as the video ends. Unknown to the others, NELSON has returned and is standing in his old spot holding a sign that says "NOT BRENDAN NELSON".)

HARRY: Thank you, Professor. General, is the Arc secure?

CURIOUS: (salutes) Sir, yes sir! It is in your secret lair in Mt Vesuvius as requested, sir! We are good to go, sir!

HARRY: Excellent. Professor, get down there and shrink it. (EXPOSITION salutes) Henchman, help him. (MIME bows - and HARRY suddenly notices NELSON has returned.)

(A long pause follows, wherein HARRY just kind of stares at him and NELSON looks innocent. After a while, HARRY wanders over for a closer look, and then snatches his sign.)

HARRY: A-ha! Get out!

NELSON: Oh, come on! I can help! I'm a good leader and I'm ever so popular!

(everyone starts sniggering.)

HARRY: I wouldn't trust you to run a marathon. Get out!

NELSON: Pretty please with sugar on top?


NELSON: And ice cream and a cherry!


NELSON: And sprinkles?


(NELSON looks dejected and starts to leave. Just as HARRY turns back to the others to continue, NELSON returns.)

NELSON: Chocolate chips?


NELSON: Banana slices?


NELSON: And a pony!


(NELSON looks shocked, then does the dejected-leaving routine again. CURIOUS raises his hand.)

HARRY: Okay. Now, General--

NELSON: (rushing in) Two ponies!

HARRY: Oh for Christ's sake.

NELSON: Fifty ponies!




(NELSON looks shocked, then starts crying)

NELSON: Fine! I don't like you anyway! I'll show you! I'll be elected Prime Minister! Of EVERYTHING! And everyone will love me, and Malcolm Turnbull and Peter Costello will tell everyone how great I am and maybe wear dresses and DANCE for me! Just you wait! (flees)            

HARRY: Right... General?

CURIOUS: (saluting) Sir! What do we do about Indiana Jones, sir?

HARRY: Hmm. What would you suggest?

CURIOUS: (saluting) Sir! Killing him to death!

HARRY: I like that! Do that.

CURIOUS: Sir, yes sir! Sir!

HARRY: Meeting adjourned. Let's get to work!
(he salutes, and the others salute back and start to leave. The MIME pretends he is descending some stairs behind the table.)

(Before they can all leave, though, GORDON BROWN bursts in.)
GORDON: Harry, what the hell.
CURIOUS: (salute) Heil!
HARRY: Gordon Brown? What the hell yourself! (the MIME reappears and takes position behind HARRY around this point.)
CURIOUS: (salute) Heil, Prime Minister!
HARRY: (to CURIOUS) Shut up! (HARRY turns to GORDON and begins gesticulating wildly; the MIME starts mimicking him) What is with all the Prime Ministers interrupting my super secret Nazi meeting, huh? Who's next, the Prime Minister of CANADA? Maybe the Prime Minster of... (flounders) of TASMANIA? This secret meeting is NAZIS ONLY! (HARRY casually turns and slaps the MIME across the face, stopping the miming) How did you even FIND OUT, Gordon? HOW?
GORDON: It was on your blog.
HARRY: ...Oh.
GORDON: The Nazis, Harry? Stealing the Arc de Triomphe? Why?
HARRY: (calling) Exposition!
EXPOSITION: (re-entering) To use the artifact hidden in Stonehenge to eliminate everyone else in line you so you can be the king.
HARRY: That's right. I'm going to be the King... of Canada!
HARRY: I'm third in line to the Canadian throne.
CURIOUS: And Jamaica.
HARRY: The Bahamas.
EXPOSITION: Australia.
HARRY: Where?
GORDON: I can't believe I'm hearing this.
HARRY: This is no joke, Gordon. I'll do whatever it takes. You see...