Second Sketch (writers meeting version)

(A street in Paris, in mostly-empty stage form. A man – the Arc's GUARD – is sitting near the edge of the stage reading a newspaper. He is wearing a beret.)

(INDIANA strolls in, taking in the sights. After a moment he stops to pull out an envelope and read the contents, which are narrated in a helpful VO in the voice of the authors.)

LINUS VO: Doctor Jones,

I am sorry we cannot accompany you on your journey. Nevertheless, please find enclosed what information we have gathered so far.

(INDIANA stops reading to pull out some more papers.)

LINUS VO: I'm not finished yet.

(INDIANA starts reading again)

LINUS VO: Just in case, we are sending you a young, attractive sidekick who speaks French. She is an expert on history and French architecture and could be of use to you.

CHORD VO: (interrupting) And she's single. You'll also find enclosed some items which should help you fit in with the locals, Dr Jones.

(INDIANA pulls out a white flag and a beret while they argue.)

LINUS VO: Chord, what are you doing? I'm writing a letter here.

CHORD VO: (cheerfully) I'm helping!

(INDIANA also finds a condom, which he hurriedly puts back after making sure nobody saw him take it out.)

LINUS VO: Give me that pen! (pause, during which INDIANA starts reading again) Right. That is all, Dr Jones. Godspeed.

(INDIANA pockets the letter as PETIT MIAM enters.)

MIAM: Indiana Jones? My name is Petit Miam, I've been assigned to help you on this most important case.

(possible joke about her name)

INDIANA: (clearly checking her out) Well, hello there. Petit Miam, I heard that's french for-

MIAM: (sharply) It's not.

(awkward pause)

INDIANA: Er... right... suppose we should get started. This is where the Arc de Triomphe stood, right?

MIAM: (impressed) You've been doing your research, Doctor Jones.

INDIANA: I don't need research. You can tell. (gesturing to the back of the stage) Notice the empty space, and decisive lack of monuments. Dead giveaway.

MIAM: (slightly less impressed) I see... is that the guard?

INDIANA: I hope so. Go find out what you can.(slightly sleazy) I'd like to check your style.

(PETIT MIAM  nods, and strides sexily over to the guard and get his attention. INDIANA is clearly checking her out)

(The GUARD actually speaks fluent English, but in a REALLY thick French accent.)

PETIT MIAM: Pardon monsieur

GUARD: (looking up from his paper) Oui?

PETIT MIAM: Bonjour. I'm Petit Miam, I'd like to ask you a few questions.

GUARD: but of course

PETIT MIAM:You didn't happen to witness the theft of the Arc, did you?

GUARD: Theft? What are you talking about, Mademoiselle?

(during this conversation INDIANA has moved over towards the GUARD and PETIT MIAM)

INDIANA: errr *cough*

(INDIANA points towards the empty back of the stage. The GUARD does a double take.)

GUARD: (as if he just noticed now) Sacre bleu!

INDIANA: Hey now, settle down.

GUARD: No, no I must tell someone

(GUARD exits flustered)

INDIANA: Well, lets take a look around.

(They search around, SIDEKICK finds something)

PETIT MIAM: Over here Dr. Jones, I've found some strange looking residue.

INDIANA: Residue, no it's not residue, it's dust! Show me! (INDIANA inspects the dust) Oh my, I know where they are. This is volcanic ash, quick I'll explain on the way

(INDIANA and PETIT MIAM leave stage)