(Lights up to a stage containing a desk and a blackboard.)

(Dancers dressed as students assemble on stage before lights up)

INDIANA enters with books, apparently under the impression that this is a classroom. He puts his hat on the desk

He stops in the middle of the stage and peers into the audience.)

INDIANA: Wow. There are a lot of you today. (pause) Ah, well! Welcome, this is (starts to write on the blackboard) ARCH1101, Introduction to Archeology and Anthropology. I am Doctor Jones, and I'll be your lecturer  for this semester.

(As INDIANA introduces himself, PROFESSOR enters and stands around the edge politely, as if waiting for INDIANA to finish.)

INDIANA: Archeology is the search for fact. We examine the evidence before us and come to logical conclusions.

(he stops and looks at the PROFESSOR, who smiles and gestures for him to carry on, which he does for a bit) ... (stops again)

INDIANA: Yes, what?

PROFESSOR: Oh, no, I wouldn't want to interrupt. Carry on.

INDIANA: (Slightly annoyed, pause)  You'll have to recognise many things on an archaeological dig. Arrowheads, spearheads, javelins, sharp tools. Many different kind of things.

(two military types enter the room and do the same standing-around thing. he stops and looks at them, they smile and gesture. He continues, clearly annoyed)

INDIANA: The MOST important thing you need to learn: eventually everything turns to dust. (Writes dust on the board and continues to talk) If you can work out where the dust came from, you're halfway there.

(INDIANA pauses, walks up to and gets right up in the PROFESSOR'S face)

INDIANA: What?

PROFESSOR: No, it's all right, we don't want to bother you.

INDIANA: Well, you are, Professor! I have an office, you know. People can visit me there. I'm even in it, sometimes. What's so important?

PROFESSOR: Ahem, well, these men would like to see you. This is Colonel Linus and Major Chord. (they shake his hand.)

LINUS: Doctor Jones, we've heard a lot about you.

LINUS: Professor of Archaeology. Expert on the occult and, how does one say it... obtainer of rare antiquities.

CHORD: (helpfully) You're good at stealing things. Urns and whatnot.

LINUS: Yes, Major... (slightly frustrated)

(there's an awkward pause.)

LINUS: Anyway... well, we need your help. An important historical artefact has been, shall we say... misplaced.

CHORD: That's one way of saying it.

JONES: I see.

CHORD: As opposed to, for example, (finger quotes) “stolen”.

LINUS: Yes, Chord, very good.

CHORD: Which is also a word for what's happened to it, you see.

LINUS: Christ's sake, shut up! (Chord shuts up) Good. Now, you must understand that this is all completely confidential.

JONES: I understand. Just between us, then... (indicates audience nonchalantly) And... And my class. You were saying?

LINUS: Yes. An artefact has been stolen from the French–

CHORD: Ribbit.

LINUS: –they've asked for our help. We want you to recover this item before word spreads.

INDIANA: And this item would be?

CHORD: The Arc... (dramatic pause) de Triomphe.

(a pause.)

INDIANA: (flatly) What.

LINUS: The Arc de Triomphe. It's a triumphal arch in Paris–

INDIANA: I know what it is! You're telling me the Arc de Triomphe – the fifty metre high monument – has been stolen, and you want me to find it before anyone notices??

CHORD: (as if this is perfectly normal) Exactly.

(there's a pause while Indiana contemplates this.)

INDIANA: No!

INDIANA: Why should I?

LINUS: Well... we have cancelled your subscription to archaeology today magazine, and if you don’t help us, you won’t get it back!

CHORD: You know life isn’t fun unless people are shooting at you!

LINUS: This is a time of war man! And without any evidence, we suspect Nazis!

CHORD: And we know how much you hate Nazis!

LINUS: And of course, Dr. Jones... (Menacing) this will make up for last time, you know, that business with the skulls.

 ,

JONES: Yes... Um, Well... okay. (shaking Linus' hand) Paris awaits!

(CHORD & LINUS nod at each other and leave. INDIANA pauses to get his hat and put his hat on dramatically.)

INDIANA: Class... have a good semester! (he pats the PROFESSOR'S shoulder happily and leaves, leaving the PROFESSOR standing confused on stage.)

(After a moment of confusion, the class erupts in jubilation! As they start to cheer, drums for “take on me” start and the students/dancers take their positions.)