NEW third Skit

HARRY is standing alone on stage.

 

HARRY: Do you know what the best thing is about being a member of the Royal Family? You can’t get fired! It’s awesome! I mean, sure there’s the whole social stigma, and how my grandmother told me that I can never speak to anyone lower than the Earl of Doncaster, unless they’re selling me crack or something, and you’re not allowed to marry anyone unless they’re your long lost cousin, but generally it’s pretty awesome. And the other good thing is, you get right hand men. Curious!

 

CURIOUS enters.

 

CURIOUS: Heil, Harry!

 

HARRY: Ah, excellent! So, General, did you get the arc alright?

 

CURIOUS: Indeed I did, your majesty! Although I lost three men doing it.

 

HARRY: Three, eh?

 

CURIOUS: Yeah. And I’ll probably never find them again. Paris is a big place, you know. A lot of brothels.

 

HARRY: One thousand, seven hundred and twenty six, to be exact. Murder on the crown jewels, if you know what I mean. (He laughs. Curious looks at him, Pause) that was funny. (General, guards laugh) Right, enough frivolity. (They stop on cue) So far, Operation Operation is going ahead perfectly.

 

CURIOUS: Absolutely! (A sudden loud dramatic music sting. It’s Curious’s ring tone.) Excuse me, your Highness. (Answers) General Lee speaking. What, bad news? How bad? Oh, you serious? You’re fired! (Hangs up) that was my wife.

 

HARRY: What’s up?

 

CURIOUS: Well, apparently they’ve got a man on our trail. Something about ‘noticing that the Arc de Triomphe is missing’, or something like that.

 

HARRY: We should have anticipated that. Is that bloody Professor finished his calculations?

 

CURIOUS: He should be. Professor!

 

The PROFESSOR enters, holding a sheaf of paper.

 

PROF: (Enthusiastically) Heil, Harry!

 

HARRY: Do you mind not breathing Sauerkraut into my face, please? Have you finished the calculations?

 

PROF: Jawohl! Absolutely! Here they are! (Waves them around, Harry teis to grab them but can't)

 

HARRY: Can I see them, then?!

 

PROF: Oh, certainly, mein Herr. Just ‘messing’ with you, ja! Like down with the kids and all that jazz!

 

HARRY: So, if I follow these instructions…

 

PROF: Oh, ja! If you follow these instructions on this paper here, you will know exactly how to use heat to shrink the Arc de Triomphe to the correct size, in order for it to replace the missing part of Stonehenge exactly-

 

HARRY: Stop breathing Sauerkraut in my face! I could have stood anything else, but… Sauerkraut?! I hate Sauerkraut! Smells exactly like my dad!

 

CURIOUS: Calm down, your highness. Sorry, professor, it’s almost time for his nap.

 

HARRY: So, there’s nothing else I need to know to finish the plan?

 

PROF: Nothing, mein Herr. All the information is right there! Jesus Christ, I’m so clever!

 

HARRY: Brilliant, professor! We’re eternally grateful! Curious, kill him.

 

PROF: What?! Kill me?

 

HARRY: that’s why I said ‘kill him’!

 

PROF: You want to kill me?!

 

HARRY: I think we’ve figured that out already, Professor.

 

PROF: But you can’t do that!

 

HARRY: Yes, I can, we’re Nazis!

 

PROF: What about my dream! I wanted to start a little shop! Bose-Einstein condensates R us! You can’t just take it all away from me!

 

CURIOUS: I don’t much like the tone of your voice. (Shoots him)

 

HARRY: Thank… god!

 

CURIOUS: I’m curious, Harry, even if you reactivate the weapon at Stonehenge, you’ve still got to become King of England! How are you going to do that?

 

HARRY: Simple, Curious! Get rid of the people who stand in my way! I’ve got it all worked out; my father is going to ‘accidentally’ get shot in the head while sleeping!

 

CURIOUS: And your grandmother?

 

HARRY: well, I’ve had a team of plastic surgeons working in secret over the past four months trying to make a man-eating alligator look exactly like a corgi. She’ll never know the difference.

 

CURIOUS: Well, it’s got the creative touch. But why not just train a killer corgi?

 

HARRY: … I never thought of that! We’ll save it for next time, yeah?

 

CURIOUS: And your brother? Going to make his fighter crash?

 

HARRY: oooh no. trust me, this is something I’ve wanted to do for a long time, and I’ve got something… special planned. I’m going to sell him to Sir Elton John! Then who’ll be laughing?

 

CURIOUS: … sir Elton John.

 

HARRY: Exactly! I will be able to rule uncontested, and this weapon will give me all the power I need! All will bow before my will!

 

CURIOUS: No, your brothers’ Will.

 

HARRY: Shut up! My will, the will of Harry, the first king of the whole world, and his right hand man… his RIGHT HAND MAN… (Curious starts and moves to his right hand)... General Lee Curious!

 

BOTH: Hit it! (launch into song)

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