Fourth Sketch

(Somewhere inside a volcano. No idea what that looks like...)

SIDEKICK: (walking in, followed by INDIANA, who is clearly checking her out) I can't believe we're in Mt Vesuvius.What exactly are we looking for?

INDIANA: (composing himself) Sorry, what? Oh, er, one Arc de Triomphe, slightly used. (and back to staring)

SIDEKICK: I hope we find it soon, it's a little warm in here...

INDIANA: (quickly) Oh? Why don't you take something off? I'll hold it for you...

(HARRY marches in, flanked by CURIOUS, a GUARD in a red shirt and the MIME, carrying something wrapped in cloth. CURIOUS pulls a gun on Jones.)

HARRY: (stroking an invisible cat) Well, well, Dr Jones. Fancy seeing you here. I didn't know Mt Vesuvius was where franchises went to die.

INDIANA: You won't get away with – what are you doing?

HARRY: (still stroking) Mummy won't let me have real pets. Tell me, Dr Jones, how did you know? I know you're not on my friends list.

INDIANA: We captured Professor Exposition. He told us your plans. In detail.

SIDEKICK: He had a slide show and everything.

HARRY: Damn! I knew I should have gone with Professor Silent! (turns to CURIOUS) How did he get past my guards?

CURIOUS: I'm sorry, Fuhrer, I–

(HARRY shoots the GUARD in the head.)

CURIOUS: (dropping his guard in shock) Captain Redshirt! What was that for?

HARRY: Well, I can't shoot you, can I. You're too valuable.

(INDIANA pulls a gun on HARRY. CURIOUS points his gun at INDIANA. HARRY points his gun at CURIOUS, then corrects himself and points at INDIANA. CURIOUS whistles and another GUARD in a red shirt runs out and draws a gun on the SIDEKICK.)

SIDEKICK: Why do you need a volcano, anyway?

HARRY: For shrinking the Arc. You know how you can shrink plastic bottles by putting them in water? Same principle.

(a pause.)

SIDEKICK: That doesn't even make sense!

INDIANA & HARRY: (lowering their guns to scoff) Science! Hello?

(SIDEKICK grumbles.)

GUARD: Science doesn't explain–

(HARRY shoots the GUARD in the head.)

CURIOUS: Lieutenant Forgettable!

(INDIANA points his gun at CURIOUS, who points his gun at HARRY. HARRY points his at CURIOUS.)

HARRY: Not me, you idiot!

(Both point their guns at INDIANA, who points his at HARRY. Another GUARD enters and draws a gun on the SIDEKICK.)

INDIANA: It's too late to do it now! Give the Arc up, Harry. It belongs in a museum!

HARRY: 'Too late'? Indy, I'm not stupid. Do you seriously think I'd explain my master-stroke if there remained the slightest chance of you affecting its outcome?

(the MIME whips off the cloth to reveal the miniature Arc de Triomphe and sets it on the floor.)

HARRY: I did it thirty-five minutes ago.

INDIANA: I oughta kill you right now.

HARRY: Not a very private place for a murder.

GUARD: Actually...

(HARRY shoots the GUARD in the head. Guards are lowered in surprise.)

HARRY: Nobody likes a smartass, Sergeant Expendable!

(The SIDEKICK pulls a gun on HARRY. CURIOUS points his gun at the SIDEKICK. INDIANA points his gun at CURIOUS. CURIOUS pulls a second gun out at INDIANA. The MIME pulls out... his fingers, and points them at the SIDEKICK and INDIANA. SIDEKICK pulls out a second gun at the MIME.)

HARRY: Okay, this is getting old.


CURIOUS: (collapsing) My ovaries!

HARRY: (pointing at INDIANA) Lower your weapons!

INDIANA: (lowering) You won't get away with this.

HARRY: Don't blow your top, Indy. Get it? Volcano... blow... oh, never mind. This is mine, I think.

(HARRY bends down to pick up the Arc, and INDIANA suddenly raises his weapon and fires. The MIME sees it coming, leaps in front of HARRY, and mimes being trapped in a box. Somehow this stops the bullets.)

INDIANA: What the hell?

HARRY: Did you forget I have a mime, Indy? Now, if you'll excuse me, shrinking the Arc made Vesuvius active. It's going to erupt any moment now. Farewell!

(HARRY backs out, the MIME covering his exit.)

(the room starts to rumble, red lights, etc. etc.)

SIDEKICK: What do we do now?!

INDIANA: Volcanos must have exits, otherwise the lava wouldn't be able to get out. We have to get out of here first!

SIDEKICK: And quickly! It's getting hotter in here...

(the SIDEKICK takes off her jacket. INDIANA forgets what he is doing.)



SIDEKICK: We need to get out of here!

INDIANA: Calm down! I've been in worse situations. Maybe we could lash together the bodies and make a raft... wait! I've got it! What we need to do is–

(Hard blackout, sound of volcano erupting)