Fifth Sketch Idea

(stock footage of Stonehenge displayed on the screen with the helpful caption "STONEHENGE, 8PM" or similar.)

(lights up to a fridge sitting by itself on one side of the stage. HARRY enters from the other side, flanked by the GENERAL and guards.)

HARRY: (reading off a clipboard) Okay... "Go to Stonehenge." Check. "Place the Arc." Check. "Activate ancient weapon and take the throne." How long?

GENERAL: (looking at watch) One minute, sir!

HARRY: (clipboard) I'll just put "check"... "Party down". Exellent! Prepare yourselves, gentlemen!

(dramatic music while everyone dons party hats)

GENERAL: Thirty seconds!

HARRY: Oh, look, someone brought drinks. (heads for the fridge)

GENERAL: Wait!

(INDIANA and the SIDEKICK burst out of the fridge to better music.)

INDIANA: (pointing a gun) Harry!

HARRY: Indiana Jones! But... I... you... HOW?

INDIANA: We escaped in this fridge. It's got heat-resistant paint.

(a pause.)

HARRY: That doesn't even make SENSE!

SIDEKICK: What, don't you know science?

INDIANA: Give it up, Harry! You're too late!

(appropriate noises and lights as Stonehenge activates)

GENERAL: Stonehenge activated!

INDIANA: ...Well played, Harry. Well played.

HARRY: Bwa ha ha! The weapon is activated! THE WORLD IS MINE! COME TO ME!

(UFO-ish noises play in the background and a pair of bad alien costumes walk in.)

ALIEN 1: Wooooo-ooooooo!

ALIEN 2: We're aaaaaaaaaaliens! Woooo!

SIDEKICK: THAT'S your weapon? Summoning aliens?

INDIANA: (reeling) Don't look at it. Shut your eyes, Sidekick. Don't look at it, no matter what happens.

HARRY: (offended) Hey! I called aliens to do my bidding! ALIENS!

INDIANA: Harry, let me ask you a question. When you looked at my degree, did you notice a major in 'Alien Encounters'?

HARRY: Indy, you know I ain't seen no--

INDIANA: Did you notice a major in 'Alien Encounters'?

HARRY: No, I didn't.

INDIANA: You know why you didn't see that major?

HARRY: Why?

INDIANA: 'Cause it ain't there, 'cause encountering aliens ain't my fucking business, that's why!

HARRY: Indy -

INDIANA: Don't fucking 'Indy' me, Harry, okay? Don't fucking 'Indy' me! What on EARTH made you think I would do aliens a second time? I'm out of here. (turns to leave)

(LINUS and CHORD enter, brandishing guns.)

LINUS: We'll take it from here, Indy. Drop 'em!

(GENERAL and guards drop their guns.)

CHORD: (grabs HARRY) You're under arrest for pretty much everything!

HARRY: Bugger!

ALIEN 1: So wait, that's it?

INDIANA: Yes! Go home already!

ALIEN 2: Look mate, someone called us for help. We missed Sex and the Mothership for this!

ALIEN 1: Isn't there SOMETHING we can do? We could give you technology, or maybe cure some terrible disease.

SIDEKICK: Well--

INDIANA: NO!

ALIEN 2: Can we at least probe somebody?

CHORD: (handing HARRY to LINUS and raising his hand) Yo!

LINUS: (as CHORD joins the aliens) Well gentlemen, I think that just about wraps it up--

INDIANA: What are you going to do with the weapon?

LINUS: Don't worry. The weapon will go somewhere very safe.

CHORD: We're going to hide it in a box in a warehouse.

LINUS: God damn it, Chord.

INDIANA: (putting an arm around sidekick) Well if you'll excuse me, I've got my own Arc to raid.

(end)

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