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Politically Correct

By Jack Wasiliev and John Clancy, from a conversation had by John and an old guy on the 470.


Victor is sitting on a bench. John comes down and sits next to him.


Victor: Hey! I know you!


John: Oh, hi! Victor, right?


Victor: Yeah! You’re that Sarah’s boy, aren’t you? Fredrick!


John: John.


Victor: Oh, so close. So, how’ve you been keeping, John?


John: Not too bad.


Victor: Got a girlfriend?


John: No, actually. I’m gay.


Victor: (tenses up) oh! Right! I see. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, of course! I’ve got nothing against it! No, no, no no! No. (pause) I’m not gay.


John: (dryly) No, I noticed!


Victor: But I don’t see why there’s any reason that you can’t… live normally, you know.


John: I do live normally.


Victor: Well, good for you. I mean, of course, you’ve got to worry about… you know. Stuff.


John: I have no idea what you mean.


Victor: Well, you know… transferring… things…


John: Oh! You mean AIDS.


Victor: (jumps) Ahh! Yes, that’s it! Yes.


John: Well, as long as you take precautions, you’re fine.


Victor: Ergh! Right, precautions. Good for you. Yeah. How’s everything else? You got kids? No, you wouldn’t, would you? Not that you shouldn’t! There’s nothing wrong with you lot raising kids! I’ve got nothing against it! Nothing at all!


John: you’re a dick.


Victor: Look, I’m sorry. Please don’t tell anyone! I’m not homophobic; it all just comes out wrong! Ah! Don’t tell anyone, please!


John: (getting up) don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone you’re homophobic.


Victor: Oh, thanks, John!


John: I’ll just tell them you’re a frigging idiot. (Leaves)


Victor: Don’t worry, they know that already! (To the audience.) My, god! How rude!