Show Archive‎ > ‎2008‎ > ‎Scripts‎ > ‎

Playing God

Voice over (1950's style): Scientists in the 24th Century, sick of being accused of playing God decide, we actually will.

--Lights up--

on stage, a scientist, JOHNNY, and a young boy, JIMMY, are standing by a large time machine. JIMMY is the real 1950s stereotype of a boy, you know the sort, everything is “swell” and “super”.

Jimmy – Golly Dr Johnny, we've finally conquered time dynamics, and we have a Giant Fuck Off Time Machine that lets us create a portal to any time we want. What what are we gonna do next?

Johnny – Well, Jimmy, I feel like playing God.

Jimmy – Jeepers, that's a swell idea, where do we begin?

Johnny – With creation of course. The Big Bang seems reasonable. We'll need a stick of dynamite.

Jimmy runs off stage and runs in again with the dynamite.  Johnny approaches time machine, looks at time dial and adjusts it to 6000 years ago

Johnny – 6000 years sounds about right

Johnny and Jimmy both look through the door

Johnny pulls out a stick of dynamite, fakes lighting it, opens the time machine door, lobs the stick of dynamite through, and slams the door shut. After a moment, the lights flash, Jimmy and Johnny flail around like there is an earthquake.

Johnny looks through the door.

Johnny – We have successfully created the universe!  Jimmy whimpers a little. Now, we need to populate this world. Johnny snaps his fingers Animals!

A lab assistance walks in with a trolley full of soft toys. Johnny and Jimmy start throwing animals into the time machine. After a while they get frustrated and just walk the trolley to the time machine and throw the whole thing through.

Johnny – Jimmy, m'boy, let's mess with people a bit, I'm sure I have some fossils around here somewhere...

Johnny walks off stage and comes back with a basket full of bones. He walks over to the machine and pours the basket in.

Jimmy –I feel like we're missing something Dr

Johnny – We need people!

Johnny and Jimmy search around, noticing the audience, Johnny chooses two plants in the audience

Johnny- (pointing to the two audience members) You two. What are your names?

Adam: Err... Adam...

Eve: Eve

Johnny: Perfect! Hands them fig leaves.  Put those on when you get there.  Enjoy!

Johnny pushes the two audience members into the time machine.

Jimmy – Don't forget this

Jimmy pulls an apple from his pocket and throws it through after Adam and Eve.

Johnny looks confused

Jimmy: I thought they'd get hungry

Johnny – While tousling Jimmy's hair My! What a thoughtful young man you are! So it looks like we were successful, we've created a nice planet here for ourselves. The platypus certainly survived longer than I thought it would. It's good to be God.

Jimmy – I'm sure it is... But you're not really God.

Johnny – What? why not? I created the whole world, what's more Godlike than that?

Jimmy – It's impressive, but you're only really God when you're your own father.

Johhny – Looking slightly concerned Haha, silly lad, where did you get a foolish idea like that?

Jimmy – Well, golly, everyone knows all the real gods fathered themselves.

Johnny – Ah, yes, well you know, I'm sure it isn't... vital.

Jimmy – I guess Dr, as long as you don't mind being second rate.

Johnny – Well... I have come this far... I going to need some good ol' holy spirits for this one....

Johnny pulls out a hip flask and takes a long swig, he then walks over to the time machine, changes the dial to 42 years ago. Johnny takes his tie off hangs it on the door handle and walks through the door. After a moment the time machine starts to rock. Johnny shortly walks out with a satisfied look on his face.

Johnny - Well that was just as disturbing as i thought it would be.

Jimmy – Golly! Congratulations your Holiness.

--Lights down--