Show Archive‎ > ‎2008‎ > ‎Scripts‎ > ‎

Numb3rs

Parody of the Numbers TV Show. Starts with an intro for the show on AV.

There is a crime scene on the stage, with a body outline (ideally). On the wall, there is a whiteboard with "1+1=?". There is a Female Detective and the Main Detective (Don) (Numbers guy's brother) on stage. The Numbers Guy (Charlie) will make an appearance on the juliet balcony soon...

Note: Don always has his back to the white board

Don: The victim was a white Caucasian male, early 40's.

FD: Bludgeoned to death with something square... about that big (indicates).

Don: Interesting. (strikes a pose as if it's something really important).

pause


FD: We need to call in your brother, don't we?

Don: No. We can do this without him.

FD: (trying to be reassured) Yeah, we're the FBI. We can do without him.

Don: If we look at the... the... the blood spatter...

FD: Yes, the blood spatter!

Don: We see that it's blobby, and... red.

FD: Precisely!

Don: Meaning...

FD: Meaning...

Don: The blood came from a living thing!

FD: Exactly!

pause, as they look blankly at each other, trying to find significance in this.

FD sees the whiteboard, behind Don.

FD: Don...

Don: Yes?

FD: I think we should call your brother

Don: (throwing a tantrum) No! I'm not calling him! I don't need him to solve every single bloody case! I'm a good detective dammit, and I'm going to solve this case all on my... (pause) there are numbers behind me, aren't there?

(pause)

FD: Yes?

Don: (Takes out his phone and rings. The Numbers guy comes onto the juliet balcony) Charlie!

Charlie: Yes Don, this is your brother.

Don:  How'd you like to help us out with a case?

(pause, Charlie looks annoyed)

Don: Charlie? Are you there?

Charlie: Ugh, fine. What is it?

Don: It's a murder.

Charlie: And?

Don: And there's numbers here. There's a whiteboard, and it says... one plus one equals... and then there's a question mark.

Charlie: And your problem is?

Don: What does it mean?

(pause as Charlie looks shocked)

Charlie: It's two.

Don: Two?

Charlie: Two.

Don: Look, you're gonna have to come over here and explain that.

Charlie: (Annoyed) Alright.

Charlie enters from the Juliet balcony

Charlie: Crap i forgot my coat

Charlie hurries off stage, stunt double appears on the balcony and takes coat.  Charlie appears back with coat.

Don: So can you explain what the hell this thing means?

Charlie: Well... let me give you an analogy.

FD: Ooh, I like this part.

Charlie: Lets say I have a... a... "detective" (points to Don) A... singular... "detective". Now lets say that we get a second "detective". (points to FD) Now we have a singular "detective" here, and a singular "detective" here. Which makes two singular "detectives". A couple, as it were. (they get pushed roughly together, they look at each other and then look away, awkwardly)

Don: So the answer is... two?

Charlie: Yes.

Don: But what does that mean?

Charlie: (snapping) Do I need to do everything for you? Aren't you supposed to be the FBI? I mean seriously, how did you actually function before I turned up? Did you function?

Don: Look, we're just wanting to find answers, just like...

Charlie: You want an answer? You want a bloody answer? Fine, the answer is two. Yes, the number two did it! There's an equation on the board that adds up to two, and therefore, the number two killed the guy on the floor. Jeez! (storms out, comes out on Juliet, pauses, walks back off) I forgot my coat! (walks off again).

FD: The number two? Really?

Don: How gullible does he think we are?

FD: Although that whole equation adding up to thing... he did make a good argument.

Don: (ponders) Uh, I suppo- ...Wait, no!  Dammit, let's go do some real detecting.

Don and FD leave, No. 2 appears on the other Juliet balcony, musical sting with slow lights down
Comments