VO: “Once upon a time in The Future...”

Lights up to reveal a dodgy futuristic setting, lots of alfoil and shiny things, a small crappy spaceship flies past noticeably on a string, futurey sound effects.

Shouty Ad Guy jumps out

Shouty Ad Guy: “Hey you, YEAH YOU! You’re in the FUTURRE... Where nobody grows old anymore!”

(picture on big screen of the Pope with a big red X drawn over his face)

SAG: “Technology’s gotten SO GOOD, not only have we DESTROYED the NUMBER ONE cause of DEATH among HUMANS ...”

(“OLD AGE” flashes up on screen over picture of elderly person in a hospital bed/nursing home)

SAG: “But we’ve found a way to prevent it! Science is AWESOME! Young is IN and old is... OLD! And nobody dies in the FUTURRE! (pause for effect – possible echo?) Everyone can be young, sexy and good looking; we even took care of Marie! (alternatively, if we don't want to pay out Prof Bashir--I have a lot of respect for her: "Look how happy Rupert (Murdoch) is with his new look!”)

(“before” picture of Marie Bashir and “after” shot, some brunette babe running on the beach) or Rupert Murdoch, but with the same female beach babe.

SAG: “Ay Guv'na! But so much youth comes with a price! The once elderly and frail are now young and carefree. Who gives a shit about bingo when you can JETSKI OVER VOLCANOES?!”

(Picture cut out of young person smiling and waving, clearly cut out from an actual jet ski pic, attached to a boat, pulled over a crude drawing of an erupting volcano. The word “DRAMATISATION” or “NOT ACTUAL VOLCANO” flashes over image) 

SAG: “But don’t you long for the good old days (cue sentimental music), when somebody baked you cookies, knitted your socks, told you stories? Don’t you miss the Christmas cards filled with money?

(visual of child opening a xmas card and a $5 note falling out, “Love, Grandma” written in the card, a pair of hands (preferable male and muscular) grabs the card and rips it in half – pref videotaped but could work live if no other option)

SAG: “That’s right kids, GRANDMA’S GONE, and she’s gone for good.  UNTIL NOW...”

(during this a “stagehand” brings out an armchair and a rocking chair into the middle of the stage, the rocking chair has knitting needles on it with a partly knitted jumper/scarf etc.)

SAG: “We bring you the new and improved NANNABOT! (old ladies start to walk out- please see staging below) Introducing the latest in domestic robot technology, the ultimate knitting, hugging and baking machine all rolled into one stocking-clad lady. Due to ethical standards, this is the most sophisticated A.I. our government will let us design! Isn’t the future great? YOU LIVE FOREVER! ”

While he is talking, three old ladies, one in a wheelchair, one with a walking frame and the other just shuffling, come out on stage. Nanna 1, shuffles into the armchair and the stagehand comes in with a tray of food and puts it in Nanna1’s lap, she starts eating what looks like some kind of mush. Nanna2 shuffles on with the walking frame, awkwardly trying to sit in the rocking chair, but is struggling due to her poor manoeuvrability. The stagehand finishes with Nanna1 and rushes over to help Nanna2, who eventually, with the help of the stagehand, sits and picks up a pair of knitting needles, she begins to knit. While this is happening, Nanna3 wheels around the stage (pref in an electric wheelchair) having great difficulty controlling the direction of the chair, the stagehand after helping Nanna2 rushes off again to help Nanna3, wheeling her into position beside the other two. Nanna3 sits hunched over, with a rug covering her knees.

[SIDENOTE If we can’t use an electric wheelchair it might be easier just to get a second stagehand to wheel her into position on a regular wheelchair but this is not compatible with the current ending. ALSO the spiel above from the Shouty ad guy isn’t long enough, need more from him to fill this time gap, almost doesn’t matter what he says, focus should be on the physical comedy with the Nanna’s. Once this has ended he continues with...]

SAG: “And like we’ve been over emphasising for minutes, she does EVERYTHING grandma used to do. She bakes, she knits, she sews, and she’s just GREAT at complaining!”

Nanna1: “There’s too much flavour in this mashed potato,”

Nanna3: pulling the woollen rug up closer “I’m cold... so very cold...”

SAG: (to Nanna3) “Shut up old hag. (To audience) See how much fun this is? AND accurate!  Right down to the very small details, like BOWEL MOVEMENTS! Grandma used to love talking about her bowel movements...”

Nanna2: rocking back and forth while knitting “Ever since they started me on those accelerated digestion pills, I’ve had the most dreadful diarrhoea!”

Nanna1&3: “Ohh, yes dear, mmm, fancy that,” etc

Nanna3: “It used to take me 3 hours to get up and use the shitter, but since this new bowel bag was attached (pats side of her abdomen, audience hears a sort of squishy plastic sound), I can go anytime, any...where!”

She turns and smiles at the audience, holding their gaze as her smile slowly fades into an expression of intense concentration/effort.

SAG: “Not to mention, broccoli, onions, and chicken, EVERYTHING gives her gas!”

As he says this Nanna1 leans to the side to let out a fart noise.

Nanna1: (muttering) “Damn potatoes...”

SAG: “Back in the old days, if Grandma got too annoying, sure, you could pull the plug, but you could only do it once!”

Visual of young person pulling the plug of an elderly person in hospital bed, holding up the end of a power cord looking disappointed.

SAG:  “Aw. Now with NANNABOT, you can switch her off anytime you want, as many times as you want!”

Stagehand unplugs Nanna3, she slumps over.

While this is going on N3 begins to twitch slightly, not being able to control her movement, the twitches get bigger and more mechanical looking, SH, after forcing the lolcat to be petted by N1 & N2 hurredly tries to fix her, opening a door attached to her back—made of cardboard, attached to her clothes which are cut to cover the door when it opens so it looks like she is being opened up. SH fiddles around, pushing buttons etc, N3 shuts down and then wakes up a few times, uttering disconnected phrases such as:

“Would you like a cup of tea, dear?”

“Here, have a nickel,”