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Large Hadron Collider

hey guys, sorry i can't come to writers, i'm sick at the moment.
Apparently nick still wants more scripts, so here's one ive just finished

Scientists (S1, etc.) are working at controls in the background. Up front is a reporter (R), Professor (P) and Cameraman (C) who films them.


R: Nothing serious, just a routine live interview.

P: Right. Hey, you’re not going to mention black holes, are you?

R: (vaguely, not listening) No, no…

P: Good.

C: Okay guys, we’re on in three, two, one, go!

R: Thanks, Graeme, and we’re here in Geneva Switzerland, the site of the Large Hadron Collider, which is being turned on for the very first time today. Now, there has been some speculation about what is actually going to happen when scientists send particles crashing into each other at 99.99999, er, 9 percent of the speed of light, but the projects’ chief scientist so far has given no indication as to whether the Collider could in fact generate a black hole and destroy the world!

P: You bitch!

R: …And he joins me now. Professor, what do you say to people who tell you to stop messing with the laws of nature, in fact one person has gone so far as to say, and I quote ‘shove your collider up your own black hole.’ What is your response?

P: Oh, well, obviously that’s complete nonsense, Steven, I am confident that the earth is in absolutely no danger whatsoever!

R: So how do you know that if you’ve never done anything like this before?

P: … um… well, we’ve done calculations!

R: calculations!

P: Yeah! You know, maths and stuff. On a blackboard. So there’s no problem!

R: But we’ve had letters from several high-profile members of the scientific community!

P: What? Like who? 

R: Well, Professor Phillip Jarkey, of the University of Sydney.

P: Well, what does he know?

R: He’s a Nobel Prize Winner. He said that there was no way of knowing exactly what might happen when the Hadrons collide.

P: Bastard! I paid him to keep quiet!

R: Sorry?

P: Look, the planet is in absolutely no danger, whatsoever. I swear as god is my witness that we would not be turning the Large Hadron Collider on if there was any danger to any living thing on this Earth, and that is final.

R: Right, well we’re out of time now, so I’ll hand you back to the studio.

C: And cut!

R: Well, that went pretty well!

P: Piss off. We’re working.

R: …right. Well, good luck everyone!

S1: Cheers, mate!


(R and C go to leave, but stop.)



R: Hey, guys! Can you tell me, is the Large Hadron Collider dangerous?

S2: give me a break! I don’t even know what a Hadron is!

R: What? What are you doing here!

S2: It’s the white coat! The ladies love the white coat! I have no idea what’s going on!

R: Well, what about you?

S3: Oh! I press this button when the light turns red, and this when it turns green!

R: But did you know that the Large Hadron Collider could generate a Black Hole that might swallow up the entire planet?

S3: What? No! Hey, professor?

P: Too late!

He pushes the button


(A few dramatic moments of flashing lights, then an uncomfortable silence. It slowly begins to get darker, but the characters are oblivious.)


R: What happened?

P: What have we got?

S2: Not sure yet… give it a moment.

R: has anything happened? At all?

P: I’m not sure.

R: What? You mean you got us all worked up for nothing!

C: Is there a black hole?

P: I don’t think so. If there was a black hole the world would be disintegrating around us right now. I think we’re okay.

C: Oh, thank god.

R: Nothing to worry about.

S2: … so, why’s it getting darker?

S1: we’ve got a result coming through… hey! Awesome! It is a black hole!

S3: We created a black hole! We rule!

R: What?! Is it sucking up the world?

S1: ummm… yep!

R: You bastard!

P: Oh, god. I can see it all now. Phil Jarkey will be laughing his head off!


It’s now completely dark.


S1: Damn. Has anyone got a mobile?

C: No, why?

S1: The insurance! Might be worth claiming!