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Large Hadron Collider

A bunch of science types are sitting around reading newspapers while headlines flash up onto the screen.
"LHC will recreate the big bang."
"Collider may create black holes."
"Switzerland holds its breath."
"Lichenstein expands bank vaults."
"Scientists find God in Switzerland."
"Scientists say LHC safe, but doubts remain."
"Legal injunction against LHC fails."
"Search for 'god particle' almost over."
"Scientists bullied as children plot end of world."
"Indian teenager commits suicide over the LHC."
"George W. Bush says his first word."

Scientist 1: I can't believe it. Only a few more minutes until startup. 
Scientist 2: All this negative publicity. We know it's safe. We built the thing. We designed it. We told people to raise the money for it.
Scientist 3: Keeping us busy is well worth $5b! I spent my entire life studying physics, I should know that it's safe.
Scientist 1: Even if it DOES make a blackhole, it'll evaporate almost instantly.
Scientist 3: And even if it does destroy Switzerland - there's a reason CERN chose to build their experiment here!
Scientist 2: I'm particularly amused. Right now I think that this is the most complicated expensive thing that isn't a warplane and can't kill anyone - but if I was wrong, that'd be pretty cool.
Scientist 1: Okay guys, only one more minute. Cameras are rolling. Prepare to activate the... LARGE HADRON COLLIDER.
Scientist 3: Who, me?
Scientist 1: Of course you, you designed most of it, as our project leader, we honour you by allowing you to make the definitive action.
<Cue: Thought bubble on projector screen. Shot of the death star exploding.>
Scientist 2: The time has come to disprove those uneducated nitwits who doubt our intellectual primacy. Bloody lawyers...
Scientist 1: Doctors...
Scientist 3: Engineers...
Scientist 2: Architects...
Scientist 1: Don't make me laugh!
Scientist 2: Don't worry, they wont!
Scientists together: What would they know?
Barbershop quartet: What would they know? (CGBD arpeggio progress through close harmony, then a circle of fifths rotation in three parts on know... or something like that).
Scientist 2: Exactly right.
Scientist 3: Then I hereby designate you the honour of activating this glorious monument to people with too much time on their hands. (Hands red button 'foot ball' to the other chap. The clock ticks down and activates a melodramatic rendition of 'hot potato'.)
Enter doomsday prophet/bum.
Doomsday prophet: Awe, fuck this. <Hits button.> (Massive hum occurs, plenty of ground shaking bass, high pitched noises. Probably steal the death star audio track...? Scientists all jump together in fear, hold each other for dear life.)
Scientist 1: <falsetto voice> We're still here. We're still here!!!
Scientist 2: Cool. What happened?
Scientist 3: A ominous whirring hum ripped from Star Wars, Special Edition.
Scientist 2: Did anyone detect the Higgs boson?
Scientist 3: The what?
Scientist 2: You know, the ...'god particle'.... The one we said this machine would find.
Scientist 3: Wait a second. <Checks console light for green or red light>. Nope. The theorists are going to love this. <Cue shot of Emperor palpatine/pope benedict XVI.>
Scientist 1: Lets go tell them.
All: To the pub!


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