An empty stage, two guys enter.

 

1. Has anyone seen the band?

 

2. The band, anyone?

 

1. Oh, this is just great. In a few minutes, the audience will be back in their seata, the intermission will be over, but the band won't be back here to do the big number at the start of the second half. I can't believe this!

 

2. Okay, calm down, we can find them. I think i know where the lead guitarist is.

 

1. Where?

 

2. I think he said he was... walking the drummer.

 

1. What? Why?

 

2. You can't house train a drummer.

 

1. You can't train a drummer, full stop.

 

2. Exactly.

 

1. Well, he's reliable, he'll be back on time. I just hope they don't have to extend the intermission.

 

2. Why?

 

1. Well, i said during rehearsal to the producer, i said Pat, any longer than 20 minutes and the trumpets will have to be retrained.

 

2. Very true. What about the saxophones.

 

1. Try the Green room.

 

2. Why the Green room.

 

1. Think about it mate. What do you do in the (quotation fingers) "Green room"?

 

2. Dunno.

 

1. Smoke! It's what musos do best! What is a saxophone but a giant bong?

 

2. Okay. (Into the wings) Guys! Try the Green Room!

 

1. What about the others?

 

2. Well, we don't need to worry about the bass player.

 

1. Why not?

 

2. Because he's a bass player. No free will, they just follow guitarists around.

 

1. So, we need to find the guitarists?

 

2. Shouldn't be too hard. After all, what do guitarists do in their spare time?

 

1. No idea.

 

2. Go to rare guitar shop! Look for famous guitars! You know, Jimi Hendrix once vomited on this guitar, $2000! That sort of thing.

 

1. Right. Where's the nearest rare guitar shop?

 

2. um... Chatswood, I think.

 

1. Okay, get onto Redfern Station, and see if they've caught a train to Chatswood.

 

2. This is Redfern station, isn't it? It's only been 20 minutes. They won't have caught a train yet.

 

1. True. See if they're there. Above all, we don't want the audience coming back without a band.

 

(They both see the audience)

 

1/2: WHOA!

 

1. People!

 

2. Looking at us!

 

1. The audience!

 

2. Get the band on! Where's the band?!

 

OFFSTAGE VOICE: It's okay, we found the band, they're all here, in the corridor.

 

1. Oh, nice work. Okay, band. Oy! Put down the needles and listen to me. The second act is starting, so get out here and play the number. Yes, now! Come on!

 

(The band trudges on)

 

2. Oh, god. We are so screwed!

 

1. Don't be ridiculous. It'll all go perfectly. The audience won't notice a thing.

 

(They tiptoe off)

 

NB: This is not intended to be a slight on our band, who i'm sure are all wonderful and don't deserve to be insulted like this. But I once played trumpet in a band that deserved every insult that it got. Not that i'm getting personal...