Show Archive‎ > ‎2008‎ > ‎Scripts‎ > ‎

Finding Religion

A preacher is standing on a table/platform in the middle of the stage, preaching to passers by. A man enters.

P: Oh praise it. I said PRAISE be to it. Give thanks, for it is good. Sing it loud, sing it clear. Excuse me, I say excuse me kind sir.

M: Who, me?

P: That’s right, I’m talking to YOU. Have you found it?

M: Found what?

P: Found what you’ve been looking for your whole life.

M: And that is…?

P: Religion of course. Have you found religion?

M: Are you talking about Jesus?

P: No.

M: Buddha?

P: No.

M: Vishnu?

P: No, No, NO! I’m talking about religion – The cause of and solution to all of life's problems. Have you found it sir? I’m asking, have you found it?

M: Well, no, I haven’t.

P: Would you like to, my son? Would you like to find religion? It's what everyone one is searching for in life. It's that little part of you that you feel has always been missing. It’ll give you meaning, and purpose in your life.

M: That does sound pretty nice. And I have been searching for answers my entire life… Will it help me understand THE meaning of life?

P: Absolutely. Religion brings all sorts of understanding that people without it just never obtain.

M: All right. I’ll do it!

P: Fantastic. That’s what I wanted to hear. With my help, you could find religion AND the meaning of life this very afternoon.

M: That’s amazing. How do we start?

P: First of all, you give me one hundred dollars.


P: Ah, (speaking louder) one hundred dollars.

M: I understood. That’s a bit steep, isn’t it?

P: If you think finding religion is expensive, just wait until you’ve found it. Then the costs really start piling up. But don’t let that deter you. I ask you sir, Can you really put a price on eternal contentment?

M: I guess not. (hands over money)

P: Excellent. Now, let’s begin. (jumps off table and places 3 cups face down on it). Here we go. (shuffles the cups around in quickly while chanting). Here we go, here we go, here it goes. Where it stops, where it stops, no one knows. (stops shuffling cups). Right. Now where do you think religion is?

M: You’re kidding me right?

P: Not at all. Where do you think religion is?

M: (sighs) That one.

P: (lifts up cup – there is nothing underneath). Oh, I’m sorry. No religion there.

M: This is bullshit. There’s nothing there.

P: That’s cause you didn’t find it.

M: I don’t think there’s anything under any of them!

P: Sounds to me like someone’s a little low on faith.

M: Grrr. Faith aside, even if “religion” was under one of them, I don’t even know where you’ve put “it” to begin with. It’s going to be damn near impossible to find at the end if I don’t know where it was at the start.

P: No one said finding religion was going to be easy. Are you ready to try again? It’ll cost you another one hundred dollars.

M: I’m done with this. I want my money back.

P: Hey, hey, I can see you’re disappointed. I’ll give you another go for free.

M: I want my money back!

P: You could even pray before you look this time – it helps.


P: Ok, ok, ok. Geez, steady on yee of little faith. Tell you what, how about I just tell you where to find the meaning of life, and we’ll call it even. I keep the money, you find the meaning of life, everyone wins. Deal?

M: Fine. That’s all I really wanted anyway. Deal. So, where is the meaning of life?

P: It’s in the cup next to religion.

(lights down)