Draft 1 - 6/6/8

~3 min

Archive FOOTAGE of extreme close-up of a cockroach moving its mandibles flashes up on the screen for half a second (with or without audio?).  The lights come half-up (minimal lighting, only greens and blues, effect is that we're deep in the jungle at night).  Quiet background jungle sounds.

Two khaki-clad, pith helmet wearers enter the stage then pick and hack their way though imaginary foliage, lifting their legs high and to the side as they walk through the swamp (c.f. Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, the ether trip).  One is carrying a harpoon (ideally it works), the other a machete.  They explore the stage separately, but not too far apart from each other.

BEC:          Seen anything yet?

KAT:          No, nothing yet.

KAT:          Wait! look over there!

Loud rustling, BEC fires harpoon.

KAT:          Did you get it?

BEC:          No, I think I missed. [wander over to place of rustling]  Looks like it got away, under there...  Do we go after it?

KAT:          Nah, there are plenty of others to kill.

The explorers resume stalking around the stage for a short while then return together.

BEC:          Phwoar, it's like a jungle in here at night.

KAT:          5 different layers of undergrowth

BEC:          several separate ecosystems

KAT:          Dozens of tropical diseases...  Y'know, maybe we should just clean this bloody kitchen.

BEC:          Nah, we tried that before - it just got dirty again.

They stalk, which turns to walking then standing, a pith helmet is removed, as they morph from explorers to flatmates.

KAT:          I don't think we're going to get any more cockroaches, just prowling around in the dark like this.

BEC:          No-no-no, mate, they love the dark.  They come out in the dark.  And tonight, they die in the dark. [does kung fu moves]

KAT:          OK, I've got an idea.  All the cockroaches are out and about at the moment, but we can't see them.  Let's turn the lights on, and whack as many as we can before they scurry away.

                   Sounds good.

KAT:          You ready?

BEC indicates she is

KAT:          GO!

The lights come on fully, many scurrying noises, our two protagonists whirl around fighting the air in different locations before the noises dissipate and the two exhausted flatmates return to centre stage and slump against each other.

KAT:          How many did you get?

BEC:          6!  You?

KAT:          Damn. 5.

BEC:          You know, I'm not sure what's more disgusting: live cockroaches crawling around the kitchen, or squashed cockroach bodies all over the floor and benchtops.

KAT:          At least dead cockroaches aren't going to crawl all over your toothbrush.

BEC:          [produces toothbrush] You made a noble sacrifice, my friend, to clean those hard-to-reach places.

KAT:          You bastard!  Wha...[splutters & carries on a bit]  Still, it's not as bad as those four months last year when a cockroach became the filter in the school of physics coffee machine.

BEC:          Mate, to put this in perspective, your toothbrush probably contains less cockroach than king st thai.

KAT:          Yeah, it's strange, before thai became popular, Newtown used to have a stray cat problem...

Loud slow stomping noises

KAT:          Shit! It's the humans! Get back to the nest!

Both run/dive off stage as a giant shoe appears on the big screen, stamps down with slow deep VOICEOVER: "Bloody ants", shoe raises slowly with two ant/carcasses (or actors) squashed on the sole.

Please don't edit this without Felix Lawrence's permission