Show Archive‎ > ‎2008‎ > ‎Scripts‎ > ‎

Dr No Good

Doctor seated at desk

 Enter patient


Doctor: Come in, sit down. Now what seems to be the problem, sir?


Patient: Well, doctor, this is embarrassing for me but, I think I may have gonorrhoea.


Doctor: Whoa! Ok! That’s disgusting!


Patient: Whoa! Ok! Aren’t you a doctor?


Doctor: Yes! But….that’s just filthy! What have you been doing?


Patient: I had sex, obviously.


Doctor: Awww! That’s awful!


Patient: Look, if you can just give me some a prescription I’ll be on my way….


Doctor turns away


Doctor: I don’t even want to look at you!


Patient: You don’t have to look at me, you could just write it down on a…..


Doctor: (covering ears/hiding under chair) La, la, la! I can’t hear you! La, la, la!


Patient: Excuse me…Doctor…(/tapping on chair) excuse me!


Doctor: Nurse....Nurse!


Enter nurse


Nurse: Yes, Doctor?


Doctor: Is he still there?


Nurse: Yes….


Doctor: Well could you just deal with him, please?  


Nurse: Very well, Doctor. (to patient) If you’ll just come this way and tell me what you have....


Patient: Well, I was just saying that I think I have gonorrhoea.


Nurse: Whoa! Ok! That’s disgusting! Don’t touch me!


Patient: What the hell kind of hospital is this!


Voiceover: The NSW health system, getting better already!


Lights Down


Written by Matthew Stewart

Alternative lines:
Nurse:  Gonorrhoeah, and what's that?
Alternative ending:
Voiceover: The NSW health system; a lot to do but we're heading in the right direction.
N.B.: a number of alternative characterisations for the nurse have been suggested.