Do The Washing

Wife: Darl?

Husband: Yep?

Wife: Could you please do a load of washing for me please?

Husband: Sure, Hun.

(pause)

Wife: Darl?

Husband: Yep?

Wife: Could you do it now, please?

Husband: Yeah, in a sec.

(pause)

Wife: Darling?

Husband: Yes! What!?

Wife: The washing?

Husband: Yeah ok! Halftime is soon I’ll do it then, ok?

Wife: Hmph!

Husband: What?

Wife: It’s always ‘in a sec, I’ll do it soon’. Why can’t you just do it now?

Husband: Because, in a minute it’ll be halftime and I can put it on then without missing any of the game, which I enjoy watching.

Wife: You’d just prefer to watch the game then help me around the house that’s what it is.

Husband: But this way I can do both.

(pause)

Wife: Honey?

Husband: Bloody what!?

Wife: Don’t talk to me like that!

Husband: I’m just trying to watch the game.

Wife: Yes! I know! The game is so important! I don’t ask for a lot you know.

Husband: I said I’ll put the washing on in a minute!

Wife: It’s always in a minute!

Husband: Fine! I’ll put it on NOW then! Goddamn it!

Wife: No! It’s fine, don’t worry about it.

Husband: No, no. I’m going now.

Wife: No it’s fine, I’ll do it myself.

Husband: I just said I would do it!

Wife: Yeah but you want to watch the game.

Husband: And I said I would do the washing! Which one do you want?

Wife: Just do whatever makes you happy.

Husband: Ok, I’ll watch the game and put the washing on at halftime.

Wife: Ok.

Husband: Ok.

(pause)

Wife: Hmph! I’ll just do it myself!

Husband: For fuck’s sake!

Wife: I cook! I clean! I do everything and I just ask you to do one thing and this is what I get!

Husband: First of all you don’t cook, you experiment. Secondly I also clean, but I don’t put on a performance every time I do. And I’ll do the washing in a bloody minute!!!

Wife: You’re such a bastard!

Husband: Name calling is it? Right, you’re a fat bitch who just never shuts up.

 Wife: How dare you! I’m going to my mother’s!

Husband: Fine, but when you get back I won’t be here!

Wife: You!........

Husband: What?

Wife: We shouldn’t be arguing like this in front of the audience, it’ll upset them.

----------------------- Addendum---------------------

(pause)

Husband: To hell with the audience, I’m going out for a drink.

Wife: No! No! Christopher! Noooo!.... (breaks down crying)

Lights Down

Written by Matt