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Customer Service

Rochelle (R) sits with a chair opposite. There is a line of customers with Jan (J) at the front. This line gets steadily longer throughout the sketch as more people join the queue.
 
R: Next please.
 
J sits down.
 
R: (waving) Hi.
 
J: Hello.
 
R: (waving her hand directly in front of J's face) HI!
 
J: ... Hi.
 
R: Notice anything different about me?
 
J: ... no. Should I?
 
R: I said (waving her hand, making it clear that she's not wearing a ring) Notice anything different about me?
 
J: Not really. I've never met you before.
 
R: No ring!
 
J: Oh. You're not married?
 
R: Not anymore, dear! (Loud laugh) Divorced! And i couldn't be happier! Of course, i tried to spare him the pain, but when i caught him robbing his own house, I put my foot down! Desperate for money you see, and he had no one else to steal from! Turns out he was lining up the melons!
 
J: Pardon?
 
R: Gambling, dear, gambling! I know! Wasting money down at the casino when he should have been drinking beer with his mates! I said to myself, i said, i said, i said, Rochelle, I said, i said, don't let him drag you down with him!
 
J: Good idea, now-
 
R: Of course, it turns out he'd been fired from work!
 
J: ... really?
 
R: Yes! He thought he could hide it from me, but i follow him to work every day just to make sure he's being honest, and when i couldn't see him on the building site i knew something was up!
 
J: Oh-
 
R: Of course, i didn't find out til later about the affair?
 
J: The affair?
 
R: Oh, yes! She was Fourty-two, 3 kids, wrinkles on her face and everything! He must have been drunk. But i suppose i should have expected it, i mean, i mean, i mean, his father was a priest and appartnely walked out more than a hundred times! Well, really! Just goes to show; the infidelity gene is still strong!
 
J: Infidelity's not a disease, it can't be hereditary.
 
R: If only you knew, dear. But ultimately i think it was a case of being at the opposite end of the spectrum, you know?
 
J: No.
 
R: Yes, he was bipolar and i wasn't. I was ever so sursrised when i found out! At first i thought he was just looking for attention, because it's quite fashionable these days. You know, first it was Red Cordial allergy, then it was ADHD, now it's bipolar disorder, the latest thing. Quite an accessory, so i'm told. But then i realised, I suppose he must be, because we've been opposites ever since we met! Like at our wedding; he wasn't pregnant and i was!!! (Loud laugh)
 
J: They say opposites attract.
 
R: That's all you know dear, i was never attracted to him. Never. And I certainly don't miss him. No, absolutely not. (She obviously does) I'm very happy. Yes. So now i'm single, and i've got my whole life ahead of me, you know, life begins at forty! What should I do now, do you think?
 
J: I don't know. Can i cash in these cheques, please?
 
R: I was thinking I should go up to Spain and have a wild passionate affair with a young gentleman! What do you think?
 
J: I really don't know?
 
R: Of course you do! I could use the advice!
 
J: So do I!
 
R: Just tell me!
 
J: You're supposed to be helping me!
 
R: But you don't know what it's like! (grabs J) Oh, please help me, make it go away, i don't know what to do!
 
CUSTOMERS (in the queue): HURRY UP!
 
Silence.
 
J: These cheques, should i put them directly into savings?
 
R: That's your best option, yes.
 
J: Thanks.
 
R: You're welcome.
 
Jan goes to leave.
 
J/R: (simultaneously, to audience) You just can't get good service these days!
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