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Breaking Up

Lights up

MICHELLE and PHYSICS are sitting at a table together, both are reading a newspaper, MICHELLE puts hers down and looks at PHYSICS

MICHELLE: Physics, we need to talk.

PHYSICS: While still reading paper, not looking up Yeah, Michelle? 'Bout what?

MICHELLE: Hesitantly I don't think that our relationship is healthy, more strongly I've decided that I have to break up with you for my own good.

PHYSICS snaps to attention

PHYSICS: Baby, you don't mean that!

MICHELLE: Yeah, I do. You're always the one that's gaining from this relationship, you're always being fleshed out by my hard work, and you never give anything back. You've had that Hadron Collider out in the shed for years and you've still not made me a single black hole!

PHYSICS: Aw, c'mon, be reasonable, you know it's still a work in progress!

MICHELLE: And, you're always down at the pub with Mathematics, I swear you spend more time with him than me.

PHYSICS: Look, me and Maths go way back, you can't just expect me to get rid of me best mate.

MICHELLE: And then you go and start inviting him over without even telling me? It took me weeks to get the smell out of spot on the couch where he sat!

PHYSICS: Yeah, all right, he may be a bit gassy, but he's a good guy.

MICHELLE: A good guy? A good GUY?! He took you out the other week to pick up chicks!

PHYSICS: Wait, this break up of yours wouldn't have anything to do with those plant and animal textbooks I found last week, would it?

MICHELLE: Textbooks... textbooks? I don't have textbooks, how dare you accuse me of owning such filth! Never in my -

PHYSICS: You're cheating on me, aren't you?! Pauses and thinks And with Biology!

MICHELLE: What? No! I'd never... All right, fine, so I am cheating on you, but I needed someone who actually paid attention to my needs, someone more qualitative!

PHYSICS: I can't believe that you'd choose to cheat on a real man with that metrosexual woopsie!

MICHELLE: At least he delivers what he promises!

PHYSICS: Well it's a helluva lot easier to get your hands on a pony than a Higgs Boson!

[quick silence - turn away from each other]

MICHELLE: Look you're just not able to give me what I want.

PHYSICS: I'll find you the unifying theory of everything! I'll... I'll let you travel faster than light itself!  I'll find you the last digit pi!  I think it's a 7. Or maybe a 6

MICHELLE: Stop. Look, it's not you, it's not me, it's just the chemistry.

PHYSICS: (Confused, because he's sleeping with chemistry) Wait, you're sleeping with Chemistry too?!