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(Scene: Audition room for a game show (wheel of fortune?)

INTERVIEWER is sitting at a wide desk with room to move laterally. He maintains a diplomatic tone at all times and has a tendency to slide towards his target.)

I NTERVIEWER: (calling) Okay, can I see the first audition?

(BOB enters, keeping his hands hidden behind his back. BOB is a suckup who wants to win, and also has cardboard boxes for hands.)

I: (slide) So, Bob... why do you feel you're suited for Wheel of Fortune: Disabled Edition?

(BOB reveals that he has cardboard boxes for hands.)

BOB: (proudly) Cardboard Hand Syndrome.

I: Oooh! (obviously impressed) Oooh. Not too ugly – first point.

BOB: (sucking up) Thanks! I like your hat.

I: ... Right. (drops it) So you're prepared to play for a million dollars?

BOB: Yes.

I: (as if it were a given) But not too smart?

BOB: Yep.

I: Do you mind if some footage is cut for... (gestures to hands, finger quotes) Taste, et cetera?

B: No.

I: Mind if we not screen the episode?

B: No?

I: What if it's because you won and we don't want to pay you?

B: ... No?

I: What if we rig the bingo results?

B: What?

I: Nothing. (fast) Well! It looks like you're a good fit. Would you like to register now?

B: Oh, thank you so much! I'd love to!

I: Wonderful! Sign here.

(He pushes a form towards BOB. There's an awkward pause, then BOB holds up his box hands by way of explanation.)

I: (immediately) Oh! Well, if you'll just wait there I'll get someone to help you.

(BOB doesn't resist being shooed to the side.)

I: Next!

(A man with a BOXHEAD enters – a box with a smiley face drawn on it on his head AND boxes for hands.)

I: (forgetting BOB immediately) Hello there! Cardboard Hand Syndrome AND Head Curve Deficiency? (BOXHEAD nods and waves, BOB is worried) Well, we've wasted a lot of time already. Are you okay with our terms and conditions?

(BOXHEAD nods.)

B: Hey, um...

I: (ignoring) Well then... ah, I'll just get someone to help you. If you'll stop over here.

(He slides to where BOB is and gestures for BOXHEAD to take BOB's place.)

B: Um...

I: Oh, yes! (claps hands together) Of course. Get out.

B: What?

(I silently and “politely” gestures for BOB to get out.)

B: But... I came early! I waited in line! (waves hands) Box hands! Oh, come on! Please?

I: But... (gestures to BOXHEAD, who raises his hands apologetically) Box hands and box head.

B: But... (he moves to appeal to the silent BOXHEAD) Look, mate... I've been waiting out here for a week. I've been wanting to do this for ages. I got here first anyway. I mean... come on, please? (pleading, etc.)

(There's a pause, then BOXHEAD gives him the “fuck off fist”.)

(shocked pause)

BOB: Fine! FLATHEAD! (storms out)

I: (shocked) I... well, er, just... next!

(BOXHEAD is dancing, victory posing, going “come on!”, etc. He does not notice the final guy until he is in front of the desk.

This man is literally a giant, walking box. Possibly with a jaunty hat.

INTERVIEWER looks impressed. BOXHEAD stares, then turns his box head around to reveal a frowny face and hangs his head. Cut to black.)