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Ecoterrorism

Terrorist meeting on a table in centre of stage. Spots only. 5 terrorists. Main terrorist (Evil Overlord) is occluded.


EO: I vill call ze government and make our demand. Zey have no choice but to comply.

Terrorist 1: Of course, master.


EO rings a phone. Lights up on juliet to reveal 2 Government guys and a phone, which starts ringing with the ringtone “It's the end of the world as we know it.”


G1: Oh no! It's the doomsday line again!

G2: Do you want to answer it?

G1: I don't want to answer it. You answer it.

G2: I answered it last time.

G1: I answered it twice before that.


They look at each other, pause, and start playing scissors paper rock. G2 loses.


G2: Damn! (answers phone) Doomsday hotline. This is the government speaking. How may we reject our demands?


(on the other side there is just the sound of running water)

G2: Hello... hello? Is someone there? (to G1) Do you hear... running water?

G1: Somewhere, somehow... a tap is dripping.

G2: Judging by the pitch, the tone and the reverberation, if I'm not mistaken, and I never am, that would be running at 4.2 L per minute.

G1: That's 4 olympic swimming pools a year!


EO: Ve are Greenwar. We have five aerosol spraycans full of CFC's that will destroy your precious ozone layer that ve vill spray on the hour, every hour, unless our demands are met. (the spraycans are deoderant. They all spray one underarm at the same time.) That's one.


G2: We don't negotiate with terrorists!

EO: But ve are ecoterrorists!

G2: That's just a subset of terrorists.


Pause.


EO: Ve Vant the government thrown out!

G2: Why do you want the government thrown out?


All terrorists spray angrily.


EO: Ve also vant $1,983, 654, 245!

T2: But what about my mortgage?

EO: Fine then, 2 billion dollars! And we want you to fix the public transport system!


G1: Wait, the public transport system?


EO: Do you know how hard it is to be a terrorist ven you can't get to vork on time?

T3: Not to mention the trackwork!


EO: And if you do not meet our demands, ve vill take extra long showers vithout vater-saving shower heads, drive four wheel drives, use our sprinklers at midday on Friday, only use plastic bags and not canvas, and ve vill take ink cartridges from he recycling collection points and throw them in the regular bin!


G1: Oh no! What do we do?

G2: There's just so many!


EO: You hear tap running, correct? (turns on a tap) Now, zer are two!


G2: That's another 50 million buckets in people's showers before the water warms up!


EO: (turns on another tap) Zat is three!


G2: That's another 20 million water saving taps!

G1: I think I need to pee. (leaves)


EO: Shall I turn on another?


G2: No, no! Fine, we consent!


EO: Oh, vat was easy.  [change to Australian accent] While i've got you on the line.  Could i interest you in a ultra-affordable time-share holiday apartment?


G2: What? Ah...  Is it on the waterfront?



EO:  It will be......  Mwahahaha


[dun dun dun music plays with slow lights down]


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