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Alice in Reasonableland


Alice: Hatter, the frabjous day is tomorrow! I'm still very worried about facing the Jabberwocky. Since then I’ve retrieved the vorpal blade, tamed the bandersnatch, and become just the right size, and now I’m ready to face my destiny in a final battle against the Red Queen.

Hatter: Oh no, Alice, I forgot to tell you, it’s not happening. Frabjous day is cancelled.

A: What?

H: Yes, we had a conversation with the Red Queen, concerning the state of the nation and settled a treaty.

Alice: But she’s evil! She’s using pigs as footstools, flamingos as mallet, hedgehogs as balls for croque, frogs as people, monkeys as seats..!
H: We purchased her some furniture. Seemed more reasonable than going to war.

A: Guillotined people.

A: Living cards!

H: The cards are guillotined in their production, that’s how you get them Alice, you slice paper up. Cutting them again only makes more cards. It’s reproduction.

A: Okay, she tried to cut my head off.
H: You committed treason, and when you were put to fair trial instead of explaining your innocence, you turned into a giant, destroyed the court and killed everyone.

A: We need to slay the Jabberwocky!
H: The last creature of its kind, with the voice of Christopher Lee? I’d rather not. I mean, I don’t want to be the person who caused the extinction of the dodo, or the dinosaurs and certainly not the talking dragon with the voice of Christopher Lee.

A: She slew your entire village!
H: And I’ve decided to get over that rather than start a war and endanger the lives of my entire country.

A: But I need to fulfill my destiny!

H:  Alice, I’m clinically insane, malnourished, have PTSD and dying of mercury poisoning - but even I can see the fact that anyone would want to wage a war an endanger the lives of thousands of people, wipe out an entire species or even one person, rather than even attempt negotiation is ridiculous, maybe in your world it’s sane, but here it’s NOT.

A: But I want to kill things!

H: NO!

A: ERRG. That’s it, I’m waking up. This, is the worst L.S.D. trip, ever.


H: If you wanted to wage war and slice the head off a dragon over a giant chess board, you should have taken more [LSD]. Infact, as a 12 year old you should be greatful you even have LSD. I worked all my life to support my family who were wiped by a mythical creature your mind invented. The red queen doesn’t even come close to being as evil and twisted as you are, Alice.

A: I’m sorry.

H: You should be.


Eating objects to change size

Being late

Painting roses red