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Theme 5 mk2

THEME 5

Open to CHIEF, EULER, BOHR, FEMME, FIBONACCI, STABBY and THE PRIME COUNCIL onstage. Our protagonists are in a rough spot. CHIEF is smoking a cigar.

BOHR: Chief? You’re... you’re a crimer? And you’re smoking?
CHIEF: There’s a lot you don’t know about me son.
EULER: And the word is criminal Bohr.
FIBONACCI: Euler for once in your life shut your goddamned mouth. This is serious.
CHIEF: Your friend is right Euler. I feel like you haven’t fully grasped the gravity of the situation at hand.
FEMME: He had mocked her and derided her, but now the hero stood helpless, captured by the very -
CHIEF: Agnes not now.
FEMME: I told you not to –

CHIEF: You don’t get to tell me to do anything! I head this council!
GRAND MATHEMATICIAN: Well technically speaking...
CHIEF: Technically speaking you’re an idiot Eugene! (GM looks crestfallen.). As I was saying Euler - I don’t think you’ve -
EULER: Oh no I’ve grasped the gravity exceedingly well Chief. You’ve got us in your clutches and are probably going to have us killed.
STABBY: Slowly I imagine. At least that’s how I’d do it.
BOHR: Why is everyone so violent today?!
CHIEF: The next person to speak that isn’t Euler gets a bullet in their brain (draws a pistol)
BALLlSTICS: A chocolate bullet?
CHIEF shoots Ballistics and he falls down dead.
EULER: I’d put good money on the fact that you came up with the idea for the fake anti-crime equation as a vie for power.

CHIEF: But Fibonacci was in the way. So when you came along I knew I could use you to pull her into the shadows and have her removed. And now that I’ve rounded up every threat to my power (points gun at Euler and cocks it again)
EULER: There’s one thing. Don’t you think it’s a little convenient that all of your incompetent staff managed to pull off a perfect capture? That Femme somehow miraculously deceived me after telling me literally thirty seconds after meeting me she’d betray me?
CHIEF: Regardless of Agnes’ idiocy, I’ve still got you now

The Prime Council members throw off their hoods to reveal FORENSICS (on crutches), BALLISTICS, WHISKY, GAMBLERS, WAITER, BETTY PORTER, ALISTAIR PATTERSON, CRIMINAL, ANYONE WHO WAS IN THE THEME SKETCHES.] - they then draw their weapons

 

EULER: Yes you would [beat] if all your guns weren’t empty like this one (presses chest against Chief’s gun). I’m sure all of your guns are from the police armoury; no bullets. I’m sure the rest of your incompetent allies have forgotten they have to load their guns.

*mass of clicking as they test fire their guns only to discover they have no ammo*

CHIEF: Goddamnit guys do I have to tell you to every little thing? It’s not that hard. We’re the bad guys - it’s not too much of a stretch of imagination to think ‘maybe I’m going to have to kill a man today’.
Prime Councilman 1 (Literally anyone): Wait... we’re evil? (murmur of confusion from the council)
Prime Councilman 2: Of course we are! (some shouts of sgreement)
Prime Councilman 3: That doesn’t sound like something I’d like to be. (other shouts of agreement)
CHIEF: Okay - look. Everyone who wants to side with me and my moustache find someone who doesn’t and beat them over the head. Do you think you can manage that?

There is a moment of confusion as everyone adjusts who they’re pointing their useless guns at before there is a synchronised pistol whipping to the back of everyone’s head. The only ones left standing are BOHR and EULER are standing opposite CHIEF and FEMME.


CHIEF: Well... shit.

BOHR: Chief...dad
CHIEF: I’m not your god-damn father!
BOHR: It’s not too late... you can still be a proper accident investigator again. We can sort this out.
EULER: Jeez Bohr but you’re starting to sound like a proper cop.
CHIEF: [to Bohr] It’s not that easy son.
BOHR: Stop calling me son!
FEMME: I guess the apple doesn’t fall far from the father
BOHR: I don’t know what that means. But he’s literally twisting my heart-guts
FEMME: Literally!
CHIEF: No, literally would be this (drives his fingers into the hole where BOHR was stabbed - BOHR falls to the ground in pain.)
EULER: Pull another stunt like that and I’ll -
CHIEF: Why would you possibly care Euler? He’s an imbecile!
BOHR: Thank you...
EULER: He stuck with me, and came to save me. He even stood up to you despite the fact that he worships you. He’s as good a partner as anyone could ask for.
FEMME: You... you don’t hate him?
EULER: No I just put the “ace” in “acerbic”
FEMME: So you didn’t hate... me? (EULER makes a so-so motion with his hand)
CHIEF: This is all getting terribly tiring. Euler it’s two on one. You can’t beat us both - but I’m feeling generous. How would you would you like a spot on the Prime Council. I could use a good right fist!
EULER: I’ve got your answer rounded to two significant figures (flips CHIEF the double bird).
CHIEF: That’s a shame. The Prime Council needs a good number three.
FEMME: But I’m number three...
EULER: If you think you can turn me, you’re a bigger idiot than I thought (pointed stare at Femme, pronouncing the words carefully) and it would really set you up for a double cross.
FEMME looks confused for a second before the revelation hits her. During the next section she is drawing the chloroform bottle from her person.
CHIEF: Time to die Euler, you smarmy bastard. [Chief pulls out knife]
BOHR: I’ll help you buddy! (goes to get up but faints as he does so)
CHIEF goes to shoot EULER who grabs his arm, and they struggle on the spot with the gun in the air
(Femme smashes CHIEF across the head with the bottle of chloroform)
CHIEF: And what was that meant to achieve? [beat] wait a – [sniffs, passes out from chloroform]

EULER: I give it a 0 out of 5 for subtlety. But a 5 for timing.
BOHR: And arousingness!
FEMME: I... I double-crossed? (steps forward as though to have an aside, the lights dim, the whole shebang) As her former employer lay unconscious and hopefully brain damaged on the ground, Femme felt pride swell in her heart. She had done it - they had doubted her but she had proved them wrong. She was a maverick with nerves of steel and a heart of noir. She was a Femme Fatale. And she ... was Femme Fatale. [FEMME exits flamboyantly]
BOHR: So... what now?
EULER: We need to let the city know what happened here. But they need to know not to be afraid. We need to let people know that crime exists, and that the police are here to stop it.
BOHR: So... what you’re saying is...
EULER: The city needs you, and me, all of us at the Centre for Investigation of Accidents. Things are probably going to get a little crazy.
BOHR: So... we’re partners.
EULER: Yeah. Yeah we’re partners Bohr. See you back at the office
They shake hands
All but Euler leave.

Euler looks around the stage, pulls out a cigarette and lights up

EULER: So that was that. The harsh, blinding lights faded, the shadows receded and everything returned to that familiar shade: grey. Time for this knight to lay down his lance... ain’t no room for knights in this game anymore. So they all lived happily ever after... found a common denominator [disbelieving] ... even if it was the lowest.

Closing Song

 

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