BOHR, BALLISTICS, FORENSICS, and CRIMINAL are all on stage. This is a crime scene. A murder has occurred. FORENSICS is examining the body. BALLISTICS is examining a wall. COUNSELLOR #2 is standing with the CRIMINAL. CRIMINAL: Can I please go home now? CHIEF: Nobody goes home until we have established exactly how this tragic accident happened. EULER arrives. EULER: Detective Euler. CHIEF: The new transfer. Welcome to the world of accident investigators. I’m Chief Diamond and this is your new partner, Bohr. BOHR: Hey there buddy! EULER: ...hi CHIEF: Well, my paperwork is growing faster than my moustache, so I’ll leave this to you two. CHIEF exits EULER: Okay Bohr- why is that man moving the victim’s body? BOHR: He’s placing it in a more dignified position. Standard accident procedure. FORENSICS: It’s respect for the dead you heartless bastard. EULER: Back in my town, that’s “tampering with a crime scene”. EVERYONE gasps. FORENSICS: A ‘h-what’ scene? BOHR: You’re new here, so let me show you the ropes: There’s no crime in sin(x) city. EULER: No crime. BOHR: Correct. This is an accident. EULER: Really? BOHR: When you’ve been doing this as long as we have you learn to see the patterns. It’s always an accident. EULER: STOP TOUCHING THE BODY. FORENSICS: Oh yeah, sure, I guess you want to just leave him here splayed out all undignified? You DISGUST ME. Have you no respect!? BOHR: Forensics, take five. FORENSICS: BUT DETECTIVE- BOHR: C’mon buddy. FORENSICS walks out. FORENSICS (off stage): DAMNIT. EULER: Okay... so, male, two gunshot wounds to the chest. Seems we’ve got a couple of stray bullets. BALLISTICS: (moving over): Chocolate bullets? EULER: Bullet bullets. BALLISTICS: There’s only one way to be sure. (eats the bullet casings) EULER: Don’t eat the evidence! BALLISTICS: Test results (swallows) inconclusive. EULER: And who’s this? (at criminal) BOHR: When we arrived the poor guy was standing over the deceased, holding that gun, covered in the victims blood, laughing maniacally, yelling “I did it, I did it!” EULER: So he did it! BOHR: He’s a witness to the accident. EULER: Wouldn’t “murder” be a simpler explanation? BOHR: You calling me simple? EULER: Only by implication. BOHR: I don't know what that means. BALLISTICS: Do you two mind? This man is grieving. EULER: You’re standing where a man was murdered (gasp) and your solution is to tamper with the evidence and to help a CRIMINAL? (huge gasp) You’re denser than the bullets you’re eating. (huge gasp, BALLISTICS spits out bullets) (CHIEF has walked on stage wearing a big bushy moustache) CHIEF: Euler. BOHR: Chief! CHIEF: (nods) Son. EULER: Chief- BOHR: Euler. EULER: -this is ridiculous. This guy’s an imbecile. BOHR: Thanks! CHIEF: Bohr is a damn fine accident investigator. You’d do well to follow him. I’ve been gone for well over 45 seconds. Is this solved yet? BOHR: The man fell on a bullet. EULER: There are two bullet wounds! BOHR: He fell on a bullet twice. (EULER points to the criminal and gestures/yells angrily.) CHIEF: And this caring citizen here took the gun from the deceased in order to prevent him from falling onto another bullet. CRIMINAL: And now I’ll get away with it! CHIEF: Well, this is all wrapped up. Everyone back to the station (FORENSICS, BALLISTICS, CRIMINAL begin leaving). And Euler, we don’t need you to fix our city. The Anti-Crime Equation has already done that. It’s thanks to the Grand Mathematician and his Prime Council that crime no longer exists. BOHR: That’s why we investigate accidents. CHIEF: You’re new, you’re eager, but stop trying to find the upper limits of my patience or else you’ll be minus a job. ALL except EULER and BOHR exit. EULER: This was no accident. BOHR: Accident until proven suicide. EULER: What is that? BOHR: That is the motto of the Centre for Investigating Accidents. EULER: Bullshit. BOHR: It’s written on my badge. EULER: Look PAST your badge, Bohr. BOHR: It’s written on my shirt. EULER: Past the shirt! BOHR: It’s tattooed on my chest! If you hate my tattoo so much, why did you transfer here? EULER: I’ve got a theory. There’s been a lot of suspicious deaths in Sin(x) City recently. There’s this guy- BOHR: Who fell on bullets. EULER: And the woman in the river? BOHR: Faulty concrete flippers. EULER: Man found dead in his hotel room? BOHR: Allergic reaction to being repeatedly stabbed. EULER: There's a pattern here. I’m going to find the creator of the ‘Anticrime Equation’ and get some answers. BOHR: You’d never be able to find the Grand Mathematician. No-one can! FEMME: (entering) I can. |
2012 > Theme: Sin(x) City >