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Violent Games Act

Politician at a press conference – monologue.

Thank you for coming.

Following the passing of the Violent Games Act in the houses of Parliament, we have decided to extend the prohibition of select games all media. 

This act has been implemented for multiple reasons, including the mounting public pressure for the protection of children, protection of property, protection of democratic values and avoiding the breakdown of society in general.

Such restrictions of course continue to include video and computer games containing explicit sexual and violent content.

But now, such restrictions have expanded to include sports, television shows, board games – questions at the end please, and lastly games undertaken in the reality of everyday life.

I must point out that this does not refer to the Game of Life, trademark, which does now have its own restrictions, but rather non-sporting games conducted in public arenas, such as schools and playgrounds. 

We will now be taking questions… oh there are very many.

You there.  Yes, Yes, I am quite serious.

Yes.  Are there any questions not pertaining to whether or not I am serious.  This is a matter of grave importance.

Yes?  Some examples from sports?  Firstly, of course, is football.  The game not only depicts violent kicking of small, round, head-shaped objects, but encourages drunkenness and hooliganism in public environments.  By the same criteria, we have also banned rugby, hockey and Pool. 

You there?  Yes, Monopoly has been banned.  It doesn’t encourage physical violence, but it doesn’t it does encourage the ruthless exploitation of small business owners, and your friends and family. 

Yes?  Of course Cluedo is out.  Pfft!  That’s even worse than snakes and ladders.

Rick?  Several playground activities have been decided to  be banned.  First on the list, it’s alphabetical, is Bullrush, which clearly encourages violence against animals, which has generated many protest from PETA.  Scissors, Paper, Rock is also out, because it encourages gambling.

Yes?  Simon Says?  More like Big Brother Says!

You?  Ah yes, there have many restrictions games that have been deemed “sexually explicit”.  Playschool will no longer be featuring on the ABC, as it commonly featuring the wedding of an animal and a woman.  Big Ted and Gemima will no longer be corrupting our children with beastiality.

Furthermore Tellytubbies will now be required to wear clothes at all times.

Yes? Well of course sex is out!  This includes masturbation, pornography, any form of foreplay and the wearing of skirts.

You there? If by mad you mean  mad about our children’s safety then yes I am mad!

I’m afraid we’ll be taking no more questions.  If you have any complaints you will deliver them in person – I said no more questions - as the internet has been destroyed for obvious reasons. Thankyou and good day.