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Universal Remote

Here's a sketch started at one of last week's writing meetings.

Universal Remote

*JACK and STEVEN enter from the kitchen with beers and nachos. They sit down on the couch and turn on the game*

JACK:                     I really wish the Roosters would turn their game around. Did you see Mariolinili’s kick yesterday?

STEVEN:               Yeah, that was a ludicrous display.


STEVEN:               Betty left me, Jack.

JACK:                     Really Steve? During the game, man?

STEVEN:               I know, but we broke up yesterday and I haven’t had a chance to talk to anyone .

JACK:                     Alright fine, I’ll fix it for you.

STEVEN:               Fix it? What the fuck do you mean fix it?

*JACK reaches down beside the couch and pulls out his oversized universal remote*

JACK:                     The universal remote fixes all.

STEVEN:               Really? You’re such a jackass. I’m in serious emotional pain here.

JACK:                     You don’t believe me, huh? Do you remember last week when you ran out of cheese dip?

STEVEN:               Yeah, so?

JACK:                     Do you really think that I would stock an entire cupboard full of cheese dip?

STEVEN:               Oh, then the logical explanation is that you put them there “by magic”.

*JACK waves the universal remote*

STEVEN:               And this helps me with my emotional baggage how?

JACK:                     I’ll just make you a new girlfriend. Like before.

STEVEN:               Ok, firstly, you’re saying you can summon me a girlfriend just like that?

JACK:                     I can summon you anything. Want a mariachi band? Here, have a mariachi band.

*JACK presses a button. Lights up stage left where a mariachi band plays. JACK presses the button again and the mariachi band is gone*

STEVEN:               Ok, moving on. Secondly, you’re telling me that not only will my next girlfriend be fake, so was my last one.

JACK:                     Not just Betty, but all your girlfriends. Sally, Mary, Wendy, Larry, and even Jenny. This thing is so amazing, it allows me not only to change the present, but the past as well. I can alter history, give my dad a moustache, even take someone’s lunch at work, and nobody is the wiser.

STEVEN:               How’d you get this thing? Did you buy it from Apple or something?

JACK:                     Microsoft, actually. Look, see the moon?

*Lights up stage right, where a moon is hanging from the grid*

STEVEN:               Yeah? What are you going to do?

*JACK presses a button. Suddenly, in a flash of smoke, the moon has been turned INTO A WHEEL OF CHEESE*

STEVEN:               That’s no moon!

JACK:                     You see? So don’t worry about Betty. In the grand scheme of things, she doesn’t matter. It’s not like it’s the end of the world.

STEVEN:               No, I guess you’re right.

JACK:                     Of course I’m right. The world doesn’t end until aliens freeze it over in 4062.

*STEVEN looks confusedly at JACK.

JACK:                     Fast forward button. Very useful.

STEVEN:               Hey, just before you make me a girlfriend, do you mind if I have a look at the remote?

JACK:                     You always ask that. *STEVEN confused again*You don’t remember because I edited the memory out of your brain.

STEVEN:               OOOOooooooh, right. Come on, can I look at the remote? Please?

*a beat*

JACK:                     Oh sure, why not? *hands the remote to STEVEN*

STEVEN:               Oooooo, look, a button for cake. *cake appears on one side of the stage* And here’s one for bicycles. *a bike appears on the other side* And one for my sister. *a beat* Why is there a button to control my sister here?

JACK:                     What? There’s no button for your sister.

STEVEN:               Yes, there is. It’s right here. What have you been doing to my sister? Helping me is one thing, but my sister man? What the hell?

JACK:                     Well, look, I can explain.

STEVEN:               No, you know what? That’s ok. I’ll just solve both our problems at once, shall I?

*STEVEN points the remote at JACK*

JACK:                     No, don’t-

*STEVEN presses the button. Nothing happens.*

JACK:                     What did you do? What did you do!?

STEVEN:               Just give it a moment.

*two breasts slowly grow out of JACK’s chest*