Scene: Classroom with a teacher and two or three students (one is called Timmy), each with a grandparent. Timmy’s Grandma/Grandpa has a purse and cane Teacher: Welcome to grandparents day everyone! I'm sure you'll enjoy seeing what the kids are up to at school. Timmy’s Grandma: (loudly) Pssh. I’m only here because the people in my nursing home are trying to kill me. Timmy: Grandma, you’re embarrassing me. No one’s trying to kill you. Grandma: I know you’re in on it too boy, after me land I’ll bet. Timmy: I’m not after your land Grandma. I invited you here because I thought it’d be nice for us to see each other. Grandma: Oh, so now he wants to see me? Been too busy to visit poor old Grandma before now you land grabbing son of a.... Is that gum? Miss! Timmy's chewing gum in class! Teacher: Timmy! No! If you swallow that, the gum will stay in your digestive tract for a good 75 years! Spit it out! Grandma: Timmy! No! Grandma prods Timmy with cane Timmy: Ow! Sorry. Look, I know mum's been nagging me to visit, I'm sorry! Grandma: holding up hearing horn What’s that, Timmy? Whose mum is a slag? Timmy: I said, mum is a nag! Grandma: Miss! Timmy said your mum is a slag! Teacher: Timmy! No! My Mother is a saint! She makes lemonade and cake for the orphans! Timmy: But, I- Teacher: She makes delicious lemonade Timmy. Delicious! Do you hate the orphans, Timmy? Timmy: Of course no- Grandma: Oh he does, miss. He said the orphans are little bastards who deserve what’s coming to them. Teacher: That’s detention for you young man! Grandma: Bad Timmy! Grandma whacks Timmy with cane Timmy: Ow! Grandma, why are you doing this? I told you, I'm not after your land! Grandma: Oh no, of course you're not deary, i’m just getting old and hearing things. Here, i'll give you some some sherbet. She reaches for satchel of white powder in purse Timmy: Oh, thanks Grandma. It's just... your hearing... I thought it was fine. Grandma distracts teacher for a second, dumps huge mound of white powder on Timmy's desk Grandma: Miss! Timmy said he's going to snort some lines! Teacher: Timmy! No! Is this cocaine all over your desk! Where did you even get cocaine?! I'll have to suspend you for this Grandma: Bad Timmy! Cocaine is bad! Grandma prods Timmy with her cane Timmy: Ow! I see what you're doing grandma, and I'm not saying anything else. Pause, Grandma eyes Timmy intently, puts down hearing horn. A hold while Grandma and Timmy look at each other through narrowed eyes. Grandma: Miss, Timmy has a stupid face! Pause Teacher: Timmy... (slight pause) ...well, I mean, that's fine... Grandma: Oh... really? Teacher: Yeah he can't help having a stupid face, he was just born that way. Grandma: Oh…well… pause Grandma distracts teacher for a second Grandma: ...and he's planning high treason! Grandma slams gun and a picture of the Queen from her purse on Timmy's desk Teacher: No! Timmy! Bad Timmy! Bad! This is a picture of the Queen! Were you going to assassinate the queen with this gun? You're only 12 years old! What has the queen ever done to you? The principle will expel you from this! You’ll be locked away! Grandma: Bad Timmy! High Treason is Bad! Grandma Gets up to wields her cane, suddenly has a heart attack, collapses (slight pause) Timmy: Yes! The land is all mine! lights down |
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