2012‎ > ‎Scripts‎ > ‎

The Seance

Okay so here's an idea I had, the sketch loses it towards the end but hopefully you get the idea..


P: Welcome, Mr ... (thinks) Smith.  So you're here to learn the secrets of the future?

C: Yes, I want to know how make a whole lot of money.

P: No, no - don't tell me.  That's my job, remember?  I AM a psychic.

C: Right, right. 

P: Shall we get going?

C: Yes, by all means, psychic away.

P: (does a trace-y-type thinky-thoughts thing)  I see... I see a great web.

C: Sorry?

P: A huge intangible web spread out over the whole world.

C: That... that doesn't make any sense.

P: Yes... it connects everyone and thing together. It allows them to share information in amounts and speeds hithero unseen!

C: Sounds a little farfetched... My only real question is: how do I exploit this?

P: (gasps) More is coming to me! Advertising will run rampant upon this web – pornography – oh, so much pornography!

C: I suppose that's an angle (makes a note on a clipboard) Porn-og-raph-y. Obvious really.

P: That's not all, people will use it to steal music, movies, anything that is information based can be loaded down onto your own personal computer!

C: Well this doesn't help me at all. You're just telling me ways I can't make money. Hmmm... I know! What will people spend their time doing on this ... web?

P: It's... strange... I keep seeing... racial slurs and homophobic comments thinly disguised as valid contributions to arguments.

C: Can we get a move along. I am paying an awful lot for these minutes which I feel like you're wasting. What about recreation?

P: I see these... things... called memes – they are everywhere, like a virus – it's horrible.

C: What are these memes?

P: Pictures, sometimes with captions, where people say things that other people have said but in slightly different ways.

C: Can I sell them?

P: They're created by the people for the people.

C: So no. Are they at least funny?

P: Oh dear god no!

C: I'm growing weary of this. It's quite obvious you've got nothing that -

P: (gasps) It's horrible.

C: What?

P: People, whiling away countless hours doing pointless things. Wasting their youth in a futile effort to feel like this strange virtual world has substance.

C: Now you're speaking my language.

P: I see people clicking rocks in video games so they can get better at clicking rocks, I see people's innermost thoughts made public, blogs and vlogs being mocked and made in equal measure, I see countless hours of poor quality videos being trawled through by young children and the terminally bored, and people telling everyone where they are and what they're doing at every minute of the day! People liking inane things! People outright lying about the number of friends they have! Everybody desperately searching for validation and none of them realising that nobody else cares what they think!

C: (shakes the psychic) You're not making any sense!

P: Oh the horror! The mundanity! (collapses into customer's arms)

C: Are you alright?

P: My soul has been sucked right out of my frail physical form, just like the fate of a generation. I am not long for this world.

C: You can't die without telling me what I should do!

P: Only you can stop this.

C: Me... but how?

P: Computers... computers are the key.

C: Yes?

P: You must warn them! I have just the strength for you to send one message to the beginning! Speak it into the crystal ball... (dies noisily)

C: (into ball) FIRST!