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The Scar-Spangled Boy

Note: For the song lyrics only, please see the song page.

Setting: Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, Chapter sixteen

Scrimgeour: Well, well. Harry Potter. I've wanted to meet you for a very long time. I'm Rufus Scrimgeour, the minister for magic.
Harry: I know who you are.
Scrimgeour: Let me be brief, Harry. I think people would feel safer if you were seen to be, shall we say... cooperating with the Ministry of Magic.
Harry: You want me to work with you?
Scrimgeour: Well, to be seen to be working with us, certainly. People think you're the chosen one, and that's what matters.
Harry: Forget it. I'm not interested.
Scrimgeour: Come on, we've even got a special costume for you!
Harry: I'm not going to wear a costume!
Harry folds his arms.
Scrimgeour: But Harry, how can you say that when you're... already wearing it?
Scrimgeour flicks his wand at Harry, whose robe flies off him and offstage. Harry is left wearing a Union Jack Morphsuit.

Beat.

Harry (arms still crossed): This is ridiculous. And possibly sexual harassment.
Scrimgeour: Hush, now, Harry, and get your hood on.

Scrimgeour pulls the hood backwards over Harry's head and zips it up. Harry struggles but Scrimgeour succeeds. On the face of the morphsuit is a glittery golden lightning-bolt.

Harry: Geroff! what the hell do you think you're doing?
Scrimgeour: Harry, you need to do this for the British public.

A fanfare sounds (see song).

Harry: No.

Another fanfare sounds.

Harry: Forget it, I'm not doing it.
Scrimgeour: Oh, well, then if you're adamant I guess we'll just have to give up and- Accio Chorusline!

A chorusline runs onto the stage, begin song:

(To the tune of 'The Star-Spangled Man with a Plan'. Every attempt Harry makes to leave is blocked by the dancing chorusgirls/boys)

[All]
Who's prophecied to turn the tide of the magical war?

Harry: Forget it! What are you trying to turn me into here, some sort of superhero? This is a traves-

Who'll have no choice after Snape murders Al Dumbledore?

Harry: Hey, hey, HEY! HAVEN'T YOU EVER HEARD OF SPOILERS?

Who's here to fight all that's dark, drab and sinister?
Who'd put his life on the line for the minister?

Harry: What?

The Dark Lord will be destroyed - by
The scar-spangled boy with a ploy!
We can't desist, there's a mist hanging over the land.
Who'll stand and face off the death-eating drones, wand in hand?
Who will indeed fight for magical Britannia?
Who'll take a curse, hex or worse for Britannia?
Who else could we deploy?
The scar-spangled boy with a ploy!

Harry: I am NOT DOING THIS. You CANNOT MAKE ME - look at this thing, I look ridiculous! What sort of nut wears skintight lycra to battle his foes? Does the video clip to "Let's Get Physical" strike fear into the hearts of evildoers everywhere? And what's this on my face? Is this glitter?? I want to talk to a lawyer. Or an agent. I-

Editors: The bridge is a bit long, so ideas for further ranting are appreciated.

An actor dressed up as voldemort sneaks along behind the singers/dancers and creeps through a gap. Harry turns, freaks out and immediately curses him.

Harry: EXPELLIARMUS, STUPEFY! Wait, this is just a guy in a costu-

Master of mystic Kung Fu!
(See how this guy can cast, we tell ya, there's noone as fast!)

Harry: Heh, well, I guess...

One day they'll sing songs of him at Science Revue!

Harry: Wait, you really think so??

Key change. Harry is beginning to come over.

Who's making death eaters hop brooms and fly really far?
(Far as a hippogriff will soar)
Who got Avada Kedavra'd and just got a scar?
(Also a phoenix-feather core)

Harry is swept up by a chorusline and begins to join in.

Who gets the guys and the girls feeling ho-otter?
Wearing a tight lycra suit, Harry Po-otter!
What tactics will he employ?
That wand he's got ain't a toy!
The scar-spangled boy with a ploy!
(Who's prophecied to turn the tide of the magical war?!)

END SCENE
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