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The Loveliest Princess

A HERO stands in the center of the stage, facing a VILLAIN (a mutant or monster of some kind, instantly recognizable as an evil archetype). A MAIDEN stands behind the HERO.

Villain: I'll stop at nothing, do you hear? Nothing! Once you're just a pile of pulp I'll take her away to wed her. And with her kingdom as dowry, I will be the most powerful man in the woooooorld!

Hero: I'll never let you lay a hand on her.

Villain: You think you could stop me?

Maiden: Of course he could, he's the strongest knight I've ever seen.

Villain:
Pah! All he has is a magical sword.

Hero:
But what you don't know is that my sword is powered by love!

Villain:
And what love do you think you could ever possibly defeat me with?

Hero:
My love for the princess!

Maiden:
Oh... really? I saw you as more of a friend...
 
The Villain and Hero lower their weapons.

Hero:
Wait, what?

Villain: Damn girl, that's cold.

Maiden:
What? I just don’t think that you and I could work in a romantic context.

Hero:
Really? After all the care I’ve taken to keep you safe, to show you you’re special, you’d let me go? I fought through the Temple of Unearthly Wedgies to get this sword, rescued you from a Hobblin’ Goblin invasion, and brought you here to the Isle of Dangerously Low Hanging Branches and all you can say is that we wouldn’t work in a *uses quotation fingers* "romantic context"?

Maiden: I don’t think my father would like it very much either.

Hero: Your father?

Villain: Hang on a moment here. Princess, you do realise that he’ll stop loving you if you keep shutting it down, right? How do you expect him to protect you without that love powering the sword?

Maiden: Oh it’s far more important to nip this love thing in the bud now. I don’t want to ruin our relationship.

Hero: Ruin our... really?

Villain: Hey, I don’t care. Makes this a lot easier for me.

Maiden:
Wait, I thought you wanted to marry me. Why are you siding with him?

Villain:
You think I just woke up one day and figured, hey, I think I’ll be evil for the rest of my life? Of course not. My ex-girlfriend just got too much on my nerves, so I locked her in the dungeon. It all unfurled from there.

Maiden: I wouldn’t be going to the dungeon too, would I?

Villain: Oh no, no, of course not. I need you alive and well to keep up appearances.

Maiden: How diabolical. I’d never want to marry you!

Hero: And yet you still can’t bring yourself to love me, can you?

Maiden:
No, no. You can still be my royal guard though.

Villain: Oooooooo, guardzoned.

Hero:
Alright, that’s the last straw. If you’d rather spend your time with mister bad boy over here, be my guest. I’m out! Go save yourself!

The HERO walks off stage angrily, thrusting the sword into her hand. As he walks off he walks into a dengerously low hanging branch.

Hero: Fucking branches!

Villain: Well then. It looks like it’s just you and me.

Maiden:
Not so fast. I’m not completely helpless you know.

She waves the sword at him in a threatening manner.

Villain: Alright, I’ll admit that he just barely had a chance of beating me with his love for you, but seriously? You think you can beat me? What love could you possibly fuel that sword with?

Maiden:
Who needs love? It's a sword!

The princess stabs him.

Villain: Nooooooo!

THE END!
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