2012‎ > ‎Scripts‎ > ‎

The Life of Death

Okay so these are two very short sketches that are essentially a spinoff of the DEATH character from Four Horsemen Review The idea being DEATH only has the line 'Pub?' and the rest of the time he just stares. The first one is DEATH's work life, now here is DEATH's romantic life and domestic life. If BAR JOKE is also in the show, then then the characters from these sketches could all be sitting at the pub. Enjoy.

Open to a speed dating arena. DEATH and a LADY are seated across from one another. The LADY is smoking. She is wearing an outrageous hipster outfit.

LADY: So I was at this Animal Collective concert – you probably wouldn't have heard of them – and I saw this guy wearing something from hot topic. I nearly died. It was so embarassing for him.

DEATH looks around the room.

LADY: Yeah so do you drive?

DEATH looks like he's about to say something.

LADY: I don't, it's terrible for the environment. I ride a fixie, it's blue. Blue like my eyes, which everyone tells me are gorgeous. Is your robe organic cotton? (leans forward and touches his robe).

DEATH slumps forward in resignation.

LADY: Listen are you a vegetarian? I normally only date vegans but in this case I could make an exception.

A bell rings and the woman leans across to kiss DEATH on the cheek. DEATH instead touches her on the nose and LADY crumples onto the table. DEATH pushes her off the table and she slumps to the floor. He then uses his foot to push her further away.

LADY2: Look, I don't want to mess around. I got dumped not so long ago and I'm looking for a date – nothing complicated. I like my men to be good listeners and of few words. Interested?

DEATH says nothing.

LADY2: Want to get out of here?



Open to a porch with BOY and his DAD. Instead of lines -DEATH stares at whoever is expecting a reponse from him.

BOY: Dad we don't have to do this.

DAD: No, we do. This is important. (knocks on the door)

A GIRL comes to the door. The BOY winces when he sees her.

GIRL: Hey stupid. Hey old man.

DAD: Now that's not very nice young lady. Can you fetch your father for me? I would like to have a word with him.

GIRL: Hey dad! Some loser's at the door.

BOY: Don't be mean to my dad.

GIRL: Shut it nerd!

DAD: Now see here.

DEATH comes to the door. The BOY hides behind his DAD.

DAD: Pleased to meet you. My name is Stan and this is my boy David.

Holds out his hand, DEATH goes to shake his hand but stops himself.

DAD: I've come here because I'd like to have a word with you about the behavior of your daughter. I don't know if you're aware but there have been a few incidents between your daughter and my son at school.

GIRL: Nuh-uh. David's just a whimp.

DEATH looks down to his daughter then back up to DAD.

DAD: Look I'm sure you're a reasonable man and I've tried to raise my son right. I told him that adults settle things with words, so I thought we could all talk this through and finally put this business behind us.

BOY: She made me cry and then laughed at me.

DEATH looks down to the GIRL and back to the BOY.

GIRL: He deserved it for being ugly.

DAD: Now far be it from me to tell you how to raise your child, but I feel very strongly that we can't let this behavior continue.

DEATH points inside the house while staring at the GIRL.

GIRL: I don't want to go to my room!

DEATH stamps the haft of his scythe on the floor and the GIRL walks off throwing a minor tantrum.

DAD: Thankyou Mr. Death was it? I'm glad we could sort this out and reach an understanding.

BOY: Thanks dad

DAD: No worries champ. Run off home, tell mum I'll be along shortly.

BOY runs off.

DAD: So...



They walk off together, lights down.