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The Great Mysterio

Announcer:  AND NOW LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THE MAGIC ACT OF THE CENTURY, THE BEST MAGICIAN IN THE LAST *TWELVE* YEARS,  THE GREAT MYSTERIO!!!!


(applause plays over speakers,  the great mysterio appears in a puff of smoke, followed closely by an assistant)


The Great Mysterio: Hello and good evening ladies and gentlemen! Prepare yourselves fine audience, for a night of mystery and wonder! 


 These are no mere stage tricks you will see tonight, but magic of the highest kind! 


 No sir, there will be no Criss Angel style vaguely gothic camera trickery extravaganza tonight!(mysterio hypes up the trick that is about to happen)


But for my first trick, I will need a volunteer from the audience! One that doesn’t mind (mysterio makes a pun about cutting in two e.g. a cutting edge trick etc)


(Mysterio picks an planted actor sitting in the audience)


The Great Mysterio: Hello and Welcome! Why don't you tell everyone your name?


Frank: oh... I’m Frank

The Great Mysterio:  Ladies and gentlemen, Frank! (Mysterio gestures towards Frank and pauses for applause)  if he is so brave, will now help my CUT MY ASSISTANT IN TWO!  (or whatever other trick we can figure out) 


(assistant lays down inside of a box.  Mysterio and Frank saw her in half and split the boxes, before he can put the boxes back together the volunteer stops, checks the boxes and looks absolutely shocked)


Frank:  OH MY GOD, YOU ACTUALLY DID IT (he checks the boxes to make sure there is no trickery)


The Great Mysterio: You sound surprised. It's maaaaagic (hand waving)


Frank: No way! I’ve been coming to this show every night trying to figure out how these tricks work.  I can’t take it anymore, how did you do this?! She’s completely cut in two!


The Great Mysterio: You reeeeeally want to know?


Frank: Really.


(long pause)


The Great Mysterio: Really?


Frank: REALLY.


The Great Mysterio: Well.....the Magician's code is PRETTY CLEAR about this kind of thing, but if Christian Bale says it's okay.....alright. The trick to this trick, the trick that makes it so tricky, is that there is no trick. 


Frank: The trick is that the trick is trickless?


The Great Mysterio: Indeed. The trick's trickery is so tricky that the trick to the trick is that there is no trick.


Frank: (counts up the equivalent of double negatives on his fingers) So..this is.... magic?


The Great Mysterio: Well, I guess so. If you want to say it like that.


Frank: you’re... you’re actually serious?

The Great Mysterio: Well, I'm a magician, aren't I?

Frank: But- 

Announcer: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THE GREAT MYSTERIO'S NEXT TRICK........ THE PAPER BAG OF INFINITE MYSTERY


(Mysterio dramatically reaches into a brown paper bag, and pulls out a 10 foot long wooden pole, Mary Poppins style) [1]


Frank: WAIT... Surely there has to be some kind of...mirror apparatus or... Criss Angel's camera crew or....

(checks bag extremely thouroughly, puts his head inside, tears it up, etc)


Pause.


Frank:  you’re... you’re really magic?


The Great Mysterio: That's what I've been saying this whooooole time.


Frank: but... If you’re magic, WHY, please tell me, WHY are people still DYING IN AFRICA?!


The Great Mysterio: I- What? Why would I-


Frank: YOU HAVE IT WITHIN YOUR POWER TO SINGLE HANDEDLY STOP WORLD HUNGER, BUT INSTEAD YOU’RE ACTING AS A CHILDRENS MAGICIAN! DO YOU EVEN CARE ABOUT WHAT HAPPENS IN AFRICA?


The Great Mysterio: Well, I DID share the Kony video to a LOT of people-


Frank: (continuing)  NOT EVEN WORLD HUNGER, IF YOU CAN HAVE ANYTHING, WHY IS ECONOMIC INEQUALITY STILL A THING AT ALL?! NOT ONLY THAT, YOU JUST CUT THAT WOMAN IN HALF AND PUT HER BACK TOGETHER! THERE ARE THOUSANDS OF AMPUTEES WHO COULD USE A REATTACHED LIMB! WHY AREN’T YOU DOING ANYTHING ABOUT THIS?!?!


The Great Mysterio: well frank, magic is uh... mysterious and uh...


Frank: AND ANOTEHR THING, IF YOU CAN GET PEOPLE IN THIS AUDIENCE TO TALK TO THE DEAD, WHY DON’T YOU SOLVE ALL RELIGIOUS CONFLICTS IN THE WORLD; (facetiously mimics the great mysterio) “OH HEY JESUS MUHAMMED AND BUDDAH, WHICH ONE OF YOU WAS RIGHT?!”


The Great Mysterio: uhh... Ladies and gentlemen! For my next trick, I will make this audience member disappear!

 

(There is a flash of smoke and Frank disappears, either that or a security guard walks on and drags off a still ranting Frank, or possibly both the smoke and the security guard!)


The Great Mysterio:  Thank you! You’ve been a wonderful audience!


(Mysterio bows. lights down)


(AND THEN SOMEONE WRITES AN EXCELLENT ENDING TO THIS SCRIPT AND SCIENCE REVUE IS SUCCESSFUL AND EVERYONE HUGS)





[1] Yes, that can happen.

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