Open to a round table discussion with WAR, FAMINE, PESTILENCE and DEATH sitting around drinking coffee and looking uncomfortable. The AUDITOR walks in and sits down, shuffling his papers – before beginning. Auditor: Famine, War, Pestilence and Death - you've been with us at Apocalypse Enterprises now for a good two millenia, and we appreciate your loyalty. However to remain afloat, there's going to need to be some... downsizing. [general murmur of outrage] Famine – I think, and the board agrees, that you have let your standards slip. Your numbers are significantly down from last quarter. Famine: I'm just finding it really difficult to deal with the whole obesity crisis - I mean, I can get rid of food, but how on earth do I compete with a Happy Meal!? How am I supposed to get people to stop eating junk food when there's a toy in every meal? Auditor: I appreciate your efforts, Famine, I really do. Keep your chin up, keep plugging away - I'm sure you'll resolve it eventually. Now, War. Your performance has been lacklustre, to say the least. I mean, where's the spirit? Where's the heart? Where's the fire? I'm finding you less impressive with every passing decade. War: How dare you? I will rip out your eyes and feed them to the Kraken! How am I to blame for this plague of peace and love in the world? WHERE IS ALL THE HATE? HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET PEOPLE TO KILL EACH OTHER WHEN THERE'S A TOY IN EVERY MEAL?! Auditor: Mr. War, sit down this instant or I will have you ejected from this room! Consider this your first and only warning *War dejectedly submits then sits down* Now, Pestilence. Medicine.
Pestilence: (breaks down) It's not my fault! I mean first they invent penicillin and then those little bastards have the gall to start fighting cancer? Who does that?!
Auditor: Pestilence, please listen...
Pestilence: No! You listen to me! You don't have my stresses, you have no idea what it feels like to lovingly craft a new pox or STI then watch it die before it even claims a life. Look at swine flu! They might even have a cure for HIV soon. All my best work erased forever! (starts sobbing) Auditor: I understand the difficulty of your position, Pestilence. But it is the belief of the board that you no longer have what it takes to continue working for this company. Pestilence runs out of the room sobbing War: He was unworthy of the company of the three horsemen. Right Death? Death stares Auditor: Sorry for ending on such a sour note everyone. The board is expecting you to uphold the company's services and reputation. Do not let them down. I hope to continue working with you until the end of days. Famine: Aren't you going to review Death? Auditor: Death has an exemplary record. Well, [begins laughing] except for that one time... Everyone starts laughing, growing hysterical Famine: Oh man, that was HILARIOUS War: I mean, crucifixion. For the son of a god! What were you thinking? Auditor: Hey Death, remind me again - he died, right? And then, three days later, what happened? What did he- SO MUCH LAUGHTER. IT'S RIDICULOUS. DEATH is pissed, reaches out, touches AUDITOR. He falls down dead. Sudden silence. War: You're no fun unless you're drunk.
Beat. Death: Pub? Hard lights down |
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